Episode 47: College

Benyi: 0:05

Hi, my name is Benny Johnson. As some of you know, I've been struggling with addiction. However, I decided to change my life and went into recovery. I started this podcast 90 days clean and I want to take you along in my journey. What does lie ahead of me? Let me be frank. I do not know. Will I ever drink again? I do not know. This is how Stairway to Redemption was born. It is my search for answer in a real time process of what is going to work for me. It is then my aspiration to help you figure out what is going to work for you. It is our journey together. Hello, hello, and welcome back to Stairway to Redemption. This week, I'm honored to have Brian on the podcast. Brian and I went to college together. Lost touch after graduation. And we connected recently after we heard, uh, after he heard about the podcast, he reached out to me on Instagram and, uh, let me know that he's in recovery as well. And today, in addition of sharing his story, we are going to talk about the excessive drinking in college and how it can lead to addiction. I give you guys Brian, what's up

Brian: 1:48

Brian? Hey Benny, thank you for having me on. It's an honor, just glad and grateful to be sharing my story here today.

Benyi: 1:58

So, all right, all right. Yeah, keep

Brian: 2:01

going. I was just going to provide a little bit of background about myself and then we can see where things go. That works for you. Yeah,

Benyi: 2:09

sure. Like, you know, and, uh, as you can also, um, segue directly to the state of the mind address what's going on with you lately. Yeah,

Brian: 2:17

absolutely. I'll start with that. What's going on with me lately? So I'm in active recovery. I've been in recovery for a bit over five years now. I work with others, um, both from a sponsorship and a sponsor standpoint and a big thing that I've really started to center my life around is this, this concept of being of service to others. Now, I am an AA, this is how I ultimately turn things in my life around, and one of the biggest things that I recognized was how self centered I was, and there have been two big events in my life that have really shifted this frame of mind for me, that have had impacts in other areas. So when I talk about that, I mean, this idea of being of service to others, helping the next alcoholic, it's not something I would have thought about, uh, while I was out using, because I was consumed with self. And in my program, I've learned so much about core values such as honesty, integrity, um, and these things have translated into my, my personal and my professional career. I currently employed, um, I've been working in the cyber security industry for the past 11 years and I've made some transitions and I work with a career coach as well and one of the biggest things that I did in moving to a new job in October was share with my career coach and my, my sponsor that I needed to work with people that had the same values as I did. I am a customer success manager, so I handle client relationships. And the biggest thing for me is, is that level of trust, integrity, honesty. If I say what I say, that means. That that's what's going to happen and my previous employer. I didn't feel that I was aligned philosophically with our leaders and that's okay, but I was very comfortable in knowing that my calling and my purpose is. Working with another group in another organization where these values are top of mind each and every day So when I when I think about my journey, uh in a in a in a high level It's really that shift from what do I want? And when do I want it to how can I be kind considerate caring of others and do the next right thing that? Translates over to my relationship with my wife my dog my family members And also my work. So that's, that's a little bit of where I am right now. It's focusing on not what I want to do, but what is that right thing to do?

Benyi: 5:17

Oh, it's beautiful because, uh, sorry, I was actually looking up a word that like can summarize exactly what you just said. Um, because you were talking about not only you wanted to have a job, but like also that. Um, idea of purpose, that sense of purpose, you know, since you want it, something that allows you with your values and your philosophy of, and I remember reading about this word called Japanese word called Ikegai with Ike, Ikegai, like Ikegai, like I K I, uh, G A I, which is like basically the balance between your talent. Your profession and your passion, like, you know, because at the end of the day, and even I ran into that issue too, when I was deep in addiction, my profession was not my passion. You know, I work for like a media company, which was like fun. I really like my, I like, I actually like my. Co workers and, uh, the environment, but when I was sitting down and starting to code, because I was, you know, software engineer, I was like, my code is meaningless. Like I write to make a website faster. So. Somebody can know what the Kardashian or what Kanye said led the latest at the fastest and I'm like, Oh, can see like what, what's the latest sneaker that's dropping next week that, you know, or like, uh, you know, I didn't feel like that. I had a purpose of mission, right? And it's funny that you just bought that, that idea of purpose and mission. And I never heard of a career coach. Like that's the first time that I heard somebody who was like, you know, um, has a career coach. And I like the fact that your career coach is not your sponsor. We're going to get back to it later because some people sometimes use a sponsor as like a financial advisor, a career coach, a love advisor. And like, you know, that's not my understanding of what a sponsor is, but we're going to get back to it. First thing first, tell us about your story. How did you end up in the, in recovery?

Brian: 7:39

Absolutely. So I'll try to keep it high level, but I look back on my childhood and alcohol was always something that I saw growing up. Now I'm West African. I'm first generation Ghanaian. For those of you who may not be too familiar with guinean culture, drinking is, is everyday life. And I had, I came from a very, very solid foundation, great parents. They've been together for 35 plus years, still together, but there was a lot of partying. And I thought that going out drinking to all hours of the night, that was, that was normal. So alcoholism is something that. Is a bit genetic in my family it runs in my genes a couple generations now but that's the primary back story and Another thing that's really important about my story Is that until I came in to recovery and started going to meetings, I don't know if I truly saw that as a child. I was always trying to fit in, but that was the case. I always wanted to be liked. I always wanted people to see me and I wanted to make friends with them. And how did I do that? Try to emulate what I saw now being black in a, in a high school where there's 40 black people and 2, 500 students. You're different by default. So that's important for me when I think about it. Not only did I feel different, I was different. My, my life experience was different. So in high school, I, I drank a little bit. Uh, I won't go into the first time that I got drunk, but it was a mess and the warning signs were there. I don't remember my first drink, but. I remember the first time I got drunk, I threw up, I felt hungover the next day, and shortly thereafter I thought, this was awesome, when can we do this again? And in high school, for me, it wasn't too easy to get alcohol, so it wasn't something that I, I prioritized doing, but hey, if we had alcohol, I was gonna drink. I was involved with other substances at that time. And when I got to college, it was As if I had arrived because I had in my mind I had no responsibility Nobody nagging me in terms of what to do. I have freedom for the first time in my life and you watch movies you see what uh, The culture is around college and you think it's a it's a heavy drinking society where it's it's expected It's accepted and it's expected of you, and this is where our paths crossed, uh, freshman year, floor five,

Benyi: 11:23

fifth floor, baby, tower B. Yeah, I

Brian: 11:26

mean, Benny, I mean, you saw me, I was, I was always drunk. And. A lot of people drank, but I was drunk. I mean, uh, One thing i've always struggled with is is Impulse control. I want something. I want it. I go from zero to 100 very quickly and that's in anything I do with life um, if there's something i'm really passionate about I zero in on that and at 17 18 19 years old Drinking and using was that was that focus. I Partied hard didn't take care of the things I needed to take care of because truth be told I wasn't I wasn't mentally mature enough to handle College be on my own, but there's something that's really important that fueled my drinking that I want to share with you And I got caught smoking marijuana, uh, with my, uh, by my parents. I think it was after freshman year or something. And my father was quite upset about that, but he told me one thing. He said, look, Brian, I really don't care if you do this, if you take care of your responsibilities right now, your responsibilities are school and you're not taking care of them. So I do care about this. And for me, that was like a light bulb that clicked off in my brain. You're telling me that if I do everything that everyone expects of me, whether that's get good grades, have a job, be self sufficient, like a party, I was like, okay, cool. I got that. So I turned it around, um, graduated and I'm going to skim through my story, Benny, um, I graduated and I was making pretty good money. I was, um, working in Manhattan for a while and. Instead of focusing on school, all I had to do was work, but with, with good income coming in that continued to fuel this, this, this desire I had to, to have fun, to be the life of the party, to be the center of attention. I needed attention. It fed my ego at the time. And there was never a point in time at back then where I thought to myself, Hey, I can't comfortably have a drink and be content with that. I was always thinking about the next drink. If I have 1 now. All right, how long can I, how long will this take me till I can get the next 1 and the next 1 and the next 1. There was no control. There was never control in my life. It was, it was compartmentalized in the sense that it progressed as my story got worse, but the behaviors and the symptoms of an alcoholic were always there for me. So, a lot of my early youth was really around social drinking, going to parties, drinking with friends, making an ass out of myself, really regretting the things that I did the night before, having to apologize to people that I may have said some inappropriate things to or done the night before. It was this vicious cycle over and over again. About a year after I graduated from school, I ended up moving to North Carolina and it was an adjustment for me because I didn't really know anybody here and I moved because of work and all of that social drinking that I had engaged in during my college years, during my, uh, that one year that I was working in New York city that evaporated. So what then occurred? I started drinking at home by myself. I mean, I would, I would work, I would focus on doing what I needed to do to be a good employee. But as soon as I left that office, I was. Going to the liquor store. I was going to the gas station and I would just drink the night away. And I saw nothing wrong with this because back to that point I made earlier, I continued to do what was expected of me. Um, I got high marks at, uh, work. I got a promotion at work. I was, I was managing a group of people by the age of 24. So in my mind and my ego being fed. I'm doing everything that's expected of me. Don't tell me how to live my life Uh, I live on my own. I don't ask anybody for money all these material items In my life just we're stacking up. So If I want to if I want to kick back let me do that And more importantly, when you remove the social drinking aspect out of it, I can drink as much as I want to without any judgment when I'm home by myself. And that's a great feeling for someone who is, who, who is really struggling with alcoholism. Which I was, I didn't really know it at the time. I ended up getting arrested for DWI, uh, not long after I got that big promotion. And I was a little upset about that, not because, oh, I made a mistake, I put myself and other people in danger, but because the courts were coming after my money. I had financial resentments, I had a resentment from the police officers because I was a half mile away from my house, let me, let me go home, it's not a big deal. And it was at this point where I got introduced to AA, and initially, and I'm gonna go back a little bit, initially I went to my first AA meeting because my mom saw me drinking at a party, she was very concerned about it, and she said, hey, I think you need some help. I said, okay, mom, for you, I'll do it. I went to three meetings and decided, you know what, I'm not doing this. I can't fathom a life without drinking. So fast forward, I ended up getting that DWI. I had to go to outpatient treatment and I actually admitted to drinking alcohol during the outpatient treatment program, which was a strict requirement, no drinking, so I'm in violation of that. And they told me that, um, in order to complete the treatment. And as part of your probationary terms, you have to go to AA. So I went, I started listening a bit more, but I was really focused on the differences versus the similarities that I had with the other people who were sharing. Did that for about six weeks. The idea popped in my mind that, Hey, it may be, it may be good. Maybe I should consider this, this way of life. And of course I didn't. Um, when I finished my treatment, I finished all the requirements for My, uh, my, my probation, I was back out and, um, I was going faster than I ever had before. All the while I was living this, as you call it, a duplicitous life. Everyone saw me one way. Hey, stand up guy, always working hard, friendly, easygoing, easy to get along with. But this other side of me, I was miserable and I was just drinking in excess because I was lonely. I, I was just unhappy. And I ended up moving in with my girlfriend now wife While this was all going on and the thing that really changed for me Was 2018 when I took a new position and I started working remotely So I was a pre covid remote employee And for anybody in alcoholism and active alcoholism and addiction, it's really dangerous because I used to have a couple of drinks in the office. People knew that I drank, people knew I drank pretty hard, but I was pretty buttoned up about it. There were rules. It would be on a Friday. That's it. But now I can have happy hour every day I can have happy hour at 4 p. m 4 then turns to 3 then turns to 2 then turns to 1 Next thing, you know within 15 minutes of my my wife leaving for work I'm drinking bourbon at like 8 a. m in the morning. I mean I had bottles scattered all over my office um, I Continue to conceal the the the depths and the extent of my drinking And this went on for about eight months, and I won't get into the situation specifically that made me finally admit to somebody else that I was an alcoholic, but we were, I was on vacation with my wife and an incident occurred and mind you, in my mind. I'm starting to recognize something is wrong here. I I don't I don't know what I can do Um, if if you're familiar with the big book, and I know you are benny, uh, everything that's outlined in Chapter three more about alcoholism. I try I tried limiting it to what I drank where I drank Putting parameters around my drinking in hopes to reel it in it all failed. Yeah all failed So I had an incident on vacation with my wife and I broke down and I told her I needed help I told her I had a drinking problem. It was the first time I admitted to anybody that I had That I had a drinking problem and I, I, I couldn't do it alone. And I made a resolution that I would get some help. Now I didn't get help immediately. I white knuckled it for about two weeks and I was back at the races when I decided, Hey, let me have a drink. And I essentially went on a bender for about two weeks, drinking from sunrise to sunset. Uh, passing out after a day of drinking by 8 p. m. And I remember the last night that I drank, uh, it was a Wednesday, similar situation. At that point, because I was trying to conceal my alcoholism, we had a bar full of drinks. In our house, I would, I would drink whatever alcohol was there and I would be driving drunk to the liquor store in the middle of the day on a, on a, on like a Tuesday, I would come home and I fill up the alcohol, the bottles that I drank to a level that I thought made it seem like, hey, no one has touched this. That's how deep it was going for me. The, the, the deception. And this had been going on for about a couple weeks, and there was nothing spectacular that happened that last night. Same old, I just drank until I passed out. The difference is, and I didn't know it at this time, was that it was the first time a power greater than myself had finally broken through. If you want to call it divine intervention, you can. But I woke up at about 4, 4, 4 30 a. m. in the morning and in bed, there was a voice that simply said, you can't continue living like this. Like, it's over. And I was ashamed of myself. I mean, I thought, look, I'm, I'm 27. How could I be? A responsible partner to my wife. How could I ever be a father? how could I ever be a person that I would admire and respect because I hated myself at that point and That day Sitting in bed that morning. I said, you know what we're done like it's as simple as that I am not i'm not living this life anymore. I'm i'm I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired And I was committed to finding a new way of life, but I didn't know where to begin. So I said, what can I do? Like, it's obvious I can't do this alone. So I need help. And I recognized, hey, I did go to those AA meetings in the past. Let me find one. Um, let's see if I could do it. And I was going back and forth in my mind thinking, should I do this or should I not? I don't know if I really want to. And I said to myself, if I don't do this now, I'm not going to do it. So I found it was a 7 a. m. meditation meeting. And it was the first day I finally felt. Some sort of a freedom because I, I admitted to other people that I was an alcoholic. I admitted that I needed help. And for the first time in my life, I shut up. I, I listened. If people, if you know me and you know me. I talk a lot always talk and i'm, not really listening to the message, but I listened to the message and I remember I started talking to folks after the meeting and They advised me on a few other meetings to go to They said all these things like get the big book get a sponsor and I said to myself I don't know what any of this means, but if you say I should do it, i'll do it. Uh, yeah And so I did that. I ended up finding another meeting. Uh, it's currently my home group. And the first person who gave me my white ship, the only white ship I've picked up to date. I asked him, I said, look, I was told I need a sponsor. Would you be willing to sponsor me? And he said, yeah. And at that point we, we embarked on a vigorous program for my recovery. And Benny, I don't know how deep you want me to go in terms of step work or things like that, but, um,

Benyi: 27:36

Yeah, I mean, like you can like, yeah, you can like, uh, glance over it. Like, you know, how, how, like, um, yeah. Summarize it. Yeah, go ahead.

Brian: 27:50

So, so basically. I committed to working with, with another person as a, to go through the steps and. I walked in there on step two, uh, I admit it like for me, I was powerless. My life was unmanageable. There were no questions asked. I mean, look at the end of the day, I'm, I'm at a meeting if my life was going as well as I thought it would be, then I probably would have here. So it was pretty easy for me to get through that. Now, uh, the next couple of steps, which my sponsor calls decision steps really revolve around this term, God or higher power, whatever you want to call it. And I grew up in the church. Wasn't really down with the church. So I had a little bit of prejudice. Uh, the, the, the times I went into the rooms when I was required by. By the, by the courts. I honestly thought AA was more of a a, a cult. It was a hell yeah, I did. I'm like, well, what is all this Kumbaya? And yeah, for me, things didn't really start opening up until it was, I was informed that my higher power can be whatever I want it to be. It's as simple as that. And it was extremely helpful for me to, to understand that we're not looking at things from a, a, a, a Judeo Christian perspective, but you look at things how it will work for you. And once I was able to get over that hurdle, I went through the rest of the, um, the steps with my sponsor. And the, the biggest thing that I'll say is There weren't a lot of times I didn't enjoy it. I didn't enjoy having to take a close look at some of the things I've done in my past. But what I would say was one of the most valuable things was that it made me aware of a lot of my my behaviors that I wasn't aware of previously. If someone told me that I like to control things I would have told them you're crazy I'm, not that that's not who I am But now that I have a little bit of time under my belt I recognize that my desire to control and manipulate outcomes to whatever my desired Outcome is trumps everything else in life. I want things the way I want them all the time and it was only by going through this program that I recognized that I can't do that I can't live like that because Ultimately, I am not in control. I simply have to have faith and I have to be willing to accept whatever happens. That is maybe one of the biggest things I've taken away from the program. If I continue to just stay on the straight and narrow, um, my, my, my sponsor calls this is road of humility. Um, don't veer off too far. Into the the side of pride or ego And conversely don't veer off too far into the side of self pity if I stay on that that line of humility Hey things will happen and i'll wrap it up by saying this Life doesn't necessarily get easier when You get sober may get more difficult because you're not numbing yourself to the realities around you, but I have a set of tools and processes that I can go through in my head to understand if I'm feeling a bit off and why that may be. I have people that I can talk to and share things with. That some of my closest friends and family would just never understand. I have a community of people that understand that. Hey, while we may have had very different experiences We have a lot of the same feelings and we've gone through a lot of similar situations in our lives and they are very, very powerful resources for me and one of the biggest things I would also say in my journey of recovery that I'm grateful for is, is this idea of fellowship. You're not alone and I grew up in an environment where you don't ask for help you figure it out you pick yourself up and hey you do it on your own it's okay to ask for help we're human at the end of the day and it's it's only natural to lean on the support of others when you need that. And that's what I've gained through recovery.

Benyi: 33:02

All right. Wow. That's amazing. Beautiful story. There's so many things I want to talk about, but yeah, thank you. Thank you very much, Brian, for sharing. Um, I, I can relate a lot with what you just said, and especially on the being like, you know, I'm from Senegal, your first generation here, your parents are from Ghana and that sentiment of like you have arrived in college, I think what. Why my drinking wasn't bad in college was that me being like generation zero and just making it here, I was focused during college, like more or less, like I needed to learn English. You know, I was, I don't know if you remember my freshman year, I wasn't as fluent as I am right now, but like, it was, it was, it was, was, it was a bit different, but, um. Yeah, so, uh, you know, that's what kept me focused. And once I got my citizenship, that's when I had that, uh, feeling of I've arrived. And that's when I start things. I mean, I was also in New York City and wanted to party, but that's when things started going downhill because I was like, all right, now what? Oh, okay, it's time to fit in. And, you know, wanted to fit in too. Uh, that feeling led me to, to party, to drink, to exit. To access and, um, you know, like led me to, to this path. But like, um, what you said about like the fellowship and the community is very true too. Uh, at the beginning too, I thought that AA had this has, and I still believe that AA has a, has a bit of, um, a cultist vibe, uh, because, um, sadly I think that some people. to, you know, like the side of the triangle, the service, like you said, the fellowship and the big book, a lot of people I feel like are. To leaning too far to the fellowship. So like it's a hanging out and sometime, sadly, some communities are not as well in that don't have the best of intentions. So some people, for example, you, you know, when you have like a career coach and a sponsor, some people, when they're in the fellowship, they see as the sponsor as their. Um, I don't want to use the word God, but as their financial advisor, their relationship advisor, like I will do anything that my sponsor tells me to do, like, Oh, if I want to go to the Yankee game, I'm going to, I'm going to ask my sponsor first, that kind of stuff, which is like, no, I think you said it correctly. Uh, a sponsor will take you to the steps and that part of like the 12 steps is very, very important in my opinion. Um, then like the fellowship, like you said, it's great to have that committee where like, um, you can lean to lean on people who know how you feel that you can ask questions and stuff. And, uh, yeah, that's where. That's where like, you know, I'm at right now, um, the part where you said like that was going to the step was pleasant, hell no, like I'm on my 4th and 5th step right now, I had to make the inventory list of the people who offended me, man, I had to take a day off work extra because, um, I had to relieve moments in my head that were not very pleasant and I was angry for like, Extra day, you know, it was hard to come down to like, now I was thinking of those moments a bit more and, uh, like you said, um, does it get easier when you sober? No, because you don't have alcohol to numb, but having those tools and being able not to rely on alcohol drugs to, to cope with what goes is going on in life. It's great. It's, it's, it's amazing. Um, yeah, I really like your story and I hope you like, it's going to touch a lot of people, but absolutely

Brian: 37:15

one thing I do want to say, if it's all right with you, a wise person told me what got me sober could get someone else drunk. So, um, this is all what's worked for me and it's worked pretty well. And I'm the first to admit with people that I work with currently, Hey, different strokes for different folks. I'll show you what, what, what I've done. And, um. It's on you to decide whether or not these are things you want to do as well.

Benyi: 37:50

Yeah, I meant to that, like, uh, I totally agree with you, like, um, that's true. And I have myself sometimes a hard time wrapping my head around what other people do. Uh, in order to, to stay spiritually fit, like, um, what you calling, uh, that stay on the road of humility, I call it getting staying spiritually fit, like, you know, like not fearing too much in like ego and pride and be like, Oh yeah, I got this. Or like living in too much anxiety, oh my God, what's going to happen at like, you know, on what's going to happen at Christmas, like, you know, like, uh, am I going to be okay with that? So, no, so, um, but yeah, um. Oh, let's talk about the college years a little bit. Um, you start with the idea of, of, of fitting in in college. Um, what do you think where, I mean, because you are like also in a fraternity, what are the, you think the factors that contributed? To the culture of excessive drinking college, I

Brian: 39:03

think it's probably once again, these are my thoughts. So yeah, nothing is rooted in fact here, but yeah, I think it's probably a sense of liberation for me. It was liberation. My parents, I wouldn't say we're the strictest people in the world, but they laid down the law when they needed to. And for me, you. I felt free i'm liberated i can do what i want and i i look at my my college years now and i said it when i went through my story that i was not emotionally mature enough to to be in school when i was that was the only path that i i i knew existed i thought. Graduate high school, you go to, you go to college like there's, it's, it's pretty binary. There's no other options for you. So, um, I think that you look at, you look at the way college is depicted in, in TV shows and movies and books, whatever, um, you see a lot of the, the hard partying lifestyle. Um, you go to schools where they've got big collegiate sports programs, um, a big part of that community that you're building is, is around tailgating. It's around being part of the team and the experience and, and, and what comes with that? It comes with, it comes with drinking and alcohol. And for me, I think these are, are really big aspects that I saw that, that, that led me to, to drink a lot and, and Benny, I mean, we, we hung around in pretty similar crews, uh, to be fair, I hung out with people who wanted to, to drink and use heavily as well. I mean, I didn't necessarily surround myself with people who were exclusively focused on getting into getting good grades and, um, making meaningful connections through networking per se. I wanted a party. I found the people who wanted a party. So, um, I think there's a lot going on there, but if I, if I have to. Look at it. I think for me, it was really that idea of liberation. Don't tell me what to do. I can do what I want. And some people may handle that a little differently. I just saw me.

Benyi: 41:42

You know, that's funny, like you just said, like, I do that idea of like, don't tell me what to do, but I do what I want, but like being in, um, how does being, uh, uh, in a fraternity influence, uh, how did your relationship with your peer influence your excessive drinking? Did you feel yourself being pressured by, Oh, I need to out drink this person or like, I need to show that I can handle my alcohol more than

Brian: 42:10

others. Surprisingly, no, I did not feel that with them. Mm-Hmm. because chances are I was always going to be the one who got the drunkest anyways. Um, Yeah. I mean that's just the truth and yeah. Um, I made some really good connections, uh, during my undergraduate graduate years. People that I would call friends for the rest of my life going through that process. Uh for me, um, yeah, maybe when you're going through the the initiation then there's a Maybe an implicit desire to succeed Internally and for me that was what drove me. I don't want to be seen as a as a quitter I don't want to be seen as somebody who doesn't show up for their their fellows um, but I I can't recall A time where I was pressured into doing Um things as it pertains to alcohol that I didn't want to do honestly because I was more than willing to do it. Um, so yeah, I mean but the thing is when you look at the The the greek life culture and that's not something I didn't even talk about. Uh, A lot of it is centered around That idea of of heavy drinking so you've got college you've got that liberation piece that I talked about then there's like a subsection of that where you meet a group of people and You you decide hey, you're gonna walk this life together for the four years that you're there and hopefully more But as you as you as you go down that journey, um you're going to be mingling with with other fraternities and other sororities and and a lot of what is revolved around there is, is parties. It's not necessarily, Hey, we're gonna focus on, and there is a fundraising aspect of it. There is charity and giving back, but I would say the majority of what we did was, was, was around partying.

Benyi: 44:15

Uh huh. Yeah. Like, I totally agree with you, but like, uh, not living in regrets because you know, like, Uh, I believe that, like, um, these experiences that we went through were necessary for us to be where we are right now. But if you had, um, let's say, um, could you, yeah, let me rephrase, could you think of alternatives to that lifestyle that I would have been, um, That will have gave you the same feeling of fitting in or the same, um, fulfillment socially that will not have been necessarily involved with, you know, alcohol or parties

Brian: 45:01

looking back on it. Now, I mean, I don't think I truly identified what my, my true hobbies or passions were honestly, that's still something I'm, I'm trying to identify today. Like what, what is. That's my sponsor tells me what is my truth, but that's in a different in a different context primarily professionally But where I'm going with this is the idea that I didn't know what I I was truly passionate about what I truly loved I've always loved sports. So hey, it was easy for me to get behind a tailgate or something like that Yeah, but knowing what what what really drives you and focusing on that and it doesn't need to be something that you want to do from a work perspective, but any form of a hobby, something that I've really picked up during a sobriety for me is golf. Golf is my escape. That is something that, hey, if I got free time, like you'll find me on the golf course, like peace of mind for me. Um, things like cooking, but a lot of things that I didn't take that I took for granted and didn't take seriously during my, my, my four years in undergrad was this idea of connecting in clubs around topics or subjects that you're really interested in. And I actually regret that because it provides you with a, another community, another group of people that you can, you can become friends with, you can, you can network with, but it's around the shared, um, bond of something that you, that you have, but, and I'll end with this. I don't even know if that would have saved me that like I don't think there's anything that would have saved me because I am who I am. I mean, okay, I think I think alcohol would have found me regardless. Yeah, it could have been delayed in college. But like I said, when I like something, I like something. There's no middle ground with it. So, um, I think for me, it was really about, uh, figuring out, um, the spirituality aspect of my life. That was super important. And, um, hindsight is 20, 20. Could I, could I have done that in college? Maybe, but there was no focus on that. I had a singular goal and it was, hey, how do I party?

Benyi: 47:37

Like, yeah, I totally agree. I think also like, I don't want to call them regret, but like, uh, for lack of better words. Yes. Like, I wish I was more involved with other clubs. I mean, the two of us and our floor, we had those, uh, soccer intramural games that we will do. I don't know if you remember those, like, uh, like, uh, the soccer, uh, Like intramural team that we had our freshman year, uh, we also, I, I mean, I had the soccer, but, but, you know, getting more clubs, like, for example, right now, I think your golf is my kickboxing and I wish I had to discover that balance. And back in my college days, but you, you definitely opened my eyes. Like now it makes me think, even if I had done all that, we'll have, would I have escaped alcoholism? And who knows? Uh, I don't think so. Like you said, um, I know myself also. Uh, I think like I will have my, I think my, my biggest downfall was my pride. The fact that I was a foreigner. In a come to an environment. And I was so proud, like, especially coming from a culture where we didn't had like a drinking age, I was like, yeah, I can drink anyone here under the table, but that's not my objective objective is to graduate because, you know, I have this, this, this, and do the little, did I know I was very cocky and that, uh, pretentious attitude led me to where I am right now. Um, but yeah, uh, What I would like to know now is like, what is your support network? Like, you know, he said, like, you have like the fellowship of AA, what else do you, you have golf? What else do you have? Well,

Brian: 49:32

I'm Me personally, I'm pretty open about who I am. So I've got my, my sponsor, uh, very wise individual who I respect immensely, um, and I've been working with a therapist lately too and For me, it's really about staying on equilibrium in the key areas of my life. And when I look at the key areas of my life, you've got the personal life. So that's my wife, um, my family, my, my friends. I've got my, my professional life, which is everything I'm doing, maybe around a business school and, and my job. And then the other piece is my sobriety, like, and it's, how do I make sure that everything is getting the appropriate care of feed care and feeding? And making sure that nothing falls by the wayside. So, um, I've got my, I've got my sponsor that I, I, I keep in touch with, uh, that I continue to connect with. I've got, um, a therapist that helps me with focusing on, on the key tasks at hand because these are things I struggle with. Um. I've got my career coach who's helping me with understanding. Hey, what is my purpose in terms of where I want to go? In my in my professional career, but more importantly, how do I devise a roadmap and a game plan for how to get there? um those I would say are the the the the individuals that provide Mentorship and in various forms now my wife. I mean, she's my best friend Um, i'm pretty open and honest with her In terms of how I'm feeling and, and this journey that I've been on through and I think it all starts with her. I mean, she knows me better than anybody else on this. Like that's a fact. She knows exactly what I'm thinking when I'm thinking it just by a stupid smirk on my face. And having that, that connection and that ability to communicate freely and transparently is something that I'm always grateful for, but, um, I've got, I've got golf, um, that is something that I, it's a way for me to unplug. And one thing that I struggle with too is, uh, I have ADHD and. ADHD and and substance abuse they Oftentimes they overlap and for me, it's about staying focused and focusing on the correct things more importantly um But for me golf is an escape. It's an escape from Everything going on in my life, just being out there, uh, in nature. I'm not good, but I keep coming back each and every day. Um, so I have that, and then I'm really focused on the spiritual wellness and, and, and physical wellness. So I've recently started CrossFit. Uh, that's something that. Hell yeah, i'm god, that's That's a challenge but um, I really enjoy it and it helps keep me centered and for me I think the biggest thing is I need structure in my life if I don't have structure then Things can get chaotic pretty quickly but yeah through those those those those various forms of mentors that i've i've described and having the the outlets to Gain some form of pleasure, um, recreationally, whether it's the gym or through it's, uh, through golf or whatever that may be. And having people to communicate with, that's what helps build the structure in my life today. Um, I didn't talk about it because Obviously, obviously, I'm not going to share names, but I've, I've met great friends in my, my journey to recovery. Who've also like us, they've gone through some, some dark days and some of them, like I said, I would call them lifelong friends. Um, they are people that I can talk, pick up the phone and talk to at any point in time. And more importantly, there are people that will hold me accountable, like people who will call me out when it's required. And that's something that is also important. I don't need to surround myself with yes men. I want to surround myself with people who are always trying to tell me, well, hey, you can do things this way instead. It's about continuous improvement. And if I don't have that, then I'm going to remain stagnant.

Benyi: 54:32

Yeah, like, oh man, like the last part you said about people who hold you accountable, like, uh, I don't know who said it, uh, but if, I think it was a friend of mine, I don't know where I heard it, but it goes like, if somebody tells you your shit doesn't smell, and you believe them, it's on you, like, that's why it basically is, like, you know, we all have flaws and stuff, and like, it's, uh, It's hard not to fall into the trap of like, no one need to hear what you need to hear because it doesn't make you feel good. Like, and I totally agree with you. Like in this life now I have people who can hold me accountable. And like, be like, yo, Benny, you're fucking up, man, like, uh, like you out of pocket, you know, um, last question before I give you the floor, we're about to reach the end of this interview. Um, have you reconnected with, you know, other buddies from college or from the past who. Now I know that you are sober and how do you approach like, um, your sobriety or disclosing your sobriety to the people who knew the old

Brian: 55:44

you? Oh, that's actually not a concern for me at all. The, the only, the only place I get a little weary about disclosing sobriety. And I actually don't is, is really in work relationships. If I'm out at a, at a social event for work. The topic typically comes up and I say, yeah, I don't drink anymore. It's, we try to keep it high level like that, but, um, I like to over, I tend to overshare, but it's about my life and Hey, comfortable with, you knowing, then that that's fine. And a lot of the people that, that I. I hung out with that. I um, I hung out with in college that I was friends with in college. They're pretty aware that hey This is the journey that i've embarked upon and I mean, I just I I share the look what was What what I was doing in the past simply didn't work for me and i'm looking at My life as a as a marathon and not a sprint and if I want to continue running in this marathon Then there are adjustments that I needed to make um from from a lifestyle perspective from a spirituality perspective that I That had I not done would probably alter the course of my life. So everyone's very Open and honest about that and and one thing I will say as we as we wrap up here is I try not to live with regrets but being that the topic of this conversation is college one of the things that I do feel is that I don't know if people truly got to know me as a person in college.

Benyi: 57:45

Oh, shit. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, go ahead.

Brian: 57:49

Yeah. I mean, I think I was simply known as a drunk, but do they know anything about me, what I'm like as a person, um, anything deeper than what you see at the surface level? And And no and a lot of that is because i simply chose not to disclose that because i was focused on drinking i'm showing you the facade that i wanted you to see although in hindsight that's really not something i want people i would want people to be seen so i look at my my my the relationships that i made in school and i think everybody saw me through one lens and if you could go back which you can't maybe give them an opportunity to see things from another but. Um, everyone is, everyone is supportive about the decisions that I've chosen to make in my life and I haven't had to have any difficult conversations. Um, and I always just go back to these were the things that I needed to do for me and I needed to do it for me first because. Doing anything for someone else is not going to yield the results that I need.

Benyi: 59:08

Damn. Like, wow. I didn't even think about that. How you make me think to our, did the people knew the real me, like, you know, like my, my thing is I always saw an advantage in people not knowing. The real me, because as a form of protection, you know, it was easier for me as being an immigrant to try to adapt and study how other people think and put a wall to see how toward people, to see how I think, you know, to protect myself, like ridicule, didn't affect me much. Cultural shock is a thing that like I experienced several times. So, you know, people perception of me flew over my head. You know, there's one thing that, that I noticed is like, when I was high and drunk, I care less. I didn't care about what people were thinking about me, but when I got sober, I care even less. Like, you know, with me and my, my, the way I disclose my sobriety to people that I'm recovering. I'm like. I came back from hell, man. There's nothing you can do to me that I didn't do to myself. Like, you know, of course I live with regrets. The people I hurt, like, you know, sometime I don't sleep because like, of like, Oh my God, what did I, what I have done. But like, to have somebody use it against me, because it's just, I don't know. It just, it just doesn't hit. Like I, I'm not, I'm not living in fear, you know, and, uh. Yeah, like you, you, this interview is great because there's so many topics that I didn't even, and that's what I like about this podcast, like the way, you know, you sharing your thoughts and what works for you and you challenging my way of thinking, like, huh, I guess like people didn't know to. Didn't get to know the real me either, you know, and, uh, well, the, I have to change it, man. I need, I need, I need to sit down and think about it, but change it or not. Yeah, exactly. It's a, it's moot. Like it's pointless to think about it, but yeah. All right. All right. Uh, big, again to Brian for being the guest on Stairway to Redemption and guys, I will see you later for the conclusion. Bye. All right, all right, all right. What a way to end this episode of Stairway to Redemption with this, uh, question that Brian asked. Do people know the real us when we're in college drinking and partying, you know? Especially at the age where we're trying to figure out who we are as a person. And even outside of like just being drunk and drinking, just in general, do we know ourselves while we're in college? So, Do even others know how who we are when we were in college? Um, yeah, guys, it was a great episode. Uh, all right, guys. So as usual, I will see you next week, uh, and, uh, happy holidays. Maybe not next week. I'm not sure if I'm going to release an episode between, um, uh, Friday, uh, between the Friday, between, uh, uh, the holidays and, uh, New Year's. Um, but yeah, I will see you guys when I see you. Bye.