Episode 46: Dual Diagnosed

Benyi: 0:05

Hi, my name is Benny Johnson. As some of you know, I've been struggling with addiction. However, I decided to change my life and went into recovery. I started this podcast 90 days clean and I want to take you along in my journey. What does lie ahead of me? Let me be frank. I do not know. Will I ever drink again? I do not know. This is how Stairway to Redemption was born. It is my search for answer in a real time process of what is going to work for me. It is then my aspiration to help you figure out what is going to work for you. It is our journey together. Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Stairway to Redemption. This week, my guest is Tyler. Tyler is a published author and entrepreneur, who is going to talk to us about what it is like to navigate Recovery and a mental illness. So without further ado, I'll give you guys Tyler. Tyler, how are you doing, man?

Tyler: 1:32

Thanks for having me. I'm doing all right. You know, I've had better days, but I've got better days ahead of me. So I'm looking forward to those and not focusing on the past.

Benyi: 1:41

All right. Uh, so that leads us to our first segment. Then the state of the mind address. How are you doing deeply? You said like, uh, you had better days, but like, can you elaborate on that?

Tyler: 1:55

Yeah, um, so we recently, we, my wife and I live in RV full time, we sold our house in May and are now traveling the United States full time in an RV. And, uh, we recently took a trip a couple weeks ago out of town about four hours from our home base. And, I ran out of medicine. Um, didn't realize that I was running so low on medicine, ran out, so. I was out for about two weeks and, um, you know, needed that. That really made me struggle and made me kind of realize how important that medicine was again. Cause I go, you know, with going through medication, sometimes I go through periods where I'm like, oh, I'm better. I don't need the medication, but that's not the case. You know, the medication for me is probably always going to be needed. That's okay because it makes me feel better and there's nothing wrong with that. So I'm just struggling with those, uh, you know, kind of recovering from that, that lapse of medicine medication, but I'm back on track and slowly getting back to a good, good place in my mind.

Benyi: 3:00

Yeah, that's very interesting. And we're going to circle back on what you just said. Like the part where, uh, you feel like sometimes you don't need the medication because you feel better. Um, yeah, because now I've very question, like the way also is depicted in, in movies and shows when somebody who is, you know, uh, bipolar doesn't want to take them, but we're gonna, we're gonna circle back on that, but first, first thing first, Um, tell us your story, Tyler, how did you, uh, fall into addiction and, uh, how did you, um, recover?

Tyler: 3:39

Yeah, uh, that's, it's a, it's a great story, um, of resilience and the human spirit. And what happened was I had a very tough childhood. I was raised in a tough environment, went through some, um, homelessness spots, some abuse. I wound up leaving my mom's house. Uh, it was not my mother was, you know, the offender. She was probably the best advocate for me. I kept a lot of things that happened to me as a child to myself and never really told my mother and until I was older in life, but whenever I turned 18, I decided to leave. Her house and go out on my own and where we live, Wilmington, North Carolina is known for its opioid abuse and one of the worst in the country and I fell down that rabbit hole. I fell into, I was undiagnosed mentally ill, didn't know what was going on, really thought that all these intrusive thoughts, these suicidal thoughts, I thought they were all Normal for everybody and didn't really try to find help, except for at the end of, you know, a pill bottle or a liquor bottle and fell into that realm of addiction, where I was relying so heavily on just to function, drinking liquor or taking opioids just to be able to function and move and and every day and, sometimes do not want to respond. It was really tough because I felt so alone. Even though I did have people there for me, it didn't feel like I did. It felt like, you know, in my mind, because I was undiagnosed mentally ill, I was being told these thoughts by myself. Um, you know, that I was unworthy of love, that I didn't deserve to be here, that people didn't want me, and the, the drugs and the alcohol, it just amplified those thoughts, those undiagnosed mental illness thoughts, and pushed me to an edge where one day I almost committed suicide. Suicide. Um, I had taken quite a few pills and was drinking, vodka was my liquor of choice, and that was the one I was sticking to, and, uh, had finished about a fifth, and a bottle of Klonopin, and called my, um, best friend Matt, and told him, I said, buddy, I'm doing it tonight, tonight I'm killing myself. And he tried to stop me and I hung up the phone. He called me probably four or five more times and I never answered. And, you know, I'm slowly fading in and out of consciousness between the liquor, between the pills. And I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. And some reason I decided to answer that phone call. It was my best friend, Matt's dad, Mr. Tommy. And he, uh, he talked to me and he asked me, he's, you know, he was asking me what was wrong and telling me about some of his struggles growing up and how he fought through these things alone and how the demons, you know, don't get easier if you continue to fight them alone. And he told me something that stuck with me ever since that day, he said. You know, is your wrench broken? And I said, what do you mean? And his dad was a mechanic. So he spent a lot of time working in a mechanic shop. And he said, you know, if I was turning that wrench and it wasn't broken, my dad told me to keep on turning, you're still here, your wrench is not broken yet, so keep on turning. And just that little affirmation reminded me that yeah, you're right. I, I am still here despite, you know, I probably shouldn't have been after that night, but I was there and I survived that night and went the next day to get help from a therapist and, uh, was later diagnosed about three months later with bipolar disorder. And. And recently I was actually diagnosed borderline personality disorder and PTSD on top of those, um, because of some of my childhood trauma. And my path to recovery was one that I wanted to, to see my life lived out because I realized that there were people who up there who cared about me. And once I was able to get the diagnosis at first, that diagnosis is a life changing thing. It's like, oh, man, I'm bipolar. Am I ever going to be normal? Am I ever going to be able to live a regular life? And then I got to thinking to myself and I'm like, yeah, You know, I've lived a semi normal, semi regular life up to this point. You know, I've had my challenges, my struggles, but I've had a good life, you know, with my mom and, and my grandparents and my brother and, and my best friend, Matt, all these people that I was starting to see. As the medication cleared that fog that was that was constantly clouding me and from there it made the journey of addiction a little bit easier to recover from because I was able to get out of my own head And free myself from those intrusive thoughts that were driving me to the substance abuse Hmm.

Benyi: 8:29

Very interesting, man. Like I really, uh, that was a very informative story. Um, when you talk about that fog that was clouding your mind, um, I remember in a, uh, a podcast you were featured on and listen, you even said it that at first you didn't believe the doctors when they told you that you were bipolar because you thought they wanted money out of you, the insurance game and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But funny enough at that time, since you didn't take the medication yet, your mind was playing tricks on you, probably, you know, so how does that work at one point, what was the click or the moment? That made you believe that, Hey man, I cannot trust my mind at this moment. I need something like, was there, do you remember what went through your mind at that time?

Tyler: 9:28

Yeah, it was this feeling of, I started to do a lot of research on the subject, on what bipolar disorder was on what depression, anxiety, and mental illness in general was. And the things that other people were saying were happening to them that weren't normal were things that I had thought were normal for me or that were normal for everybody else. And now I'm seeing that, you know, maybe there is a solution. And I started reading up on the different treatments and I tried different forms of therapy and things like that before I went on the medication. Because like you said, I. I was afraid that it was a, uh, medication shoving it down my throat or an insurance scam trying to get as much money out of me as possible with these constant checkups. And one day I just, I just said, you know, I've got to do something because this isn't normal. I can't live my life like this. I've got people out here who are relying on me to be here. People like my mother and like my brother and my best friend, Matt, and now my wife, Gracie. You know, they all want me here and need me here just as much as I need them. And I can't let them down like that. So I want it to be able to do something to better myself and to make a difference in who I was and become even, you know, even more powerful and be able to conquer my demons.

Benyi: 10:57

I see. That's okay. I see. That's, that's very interesting. And when, and when do you, how does that feel? When do you, when do you get the confidence that like, you were like, okay, now I can trust my mind again.

Tyler: 11:13

Yeah that's a tricky part because there is still even times on medication and going to therapy that your mind still sneaks up on you and plays the tricks you just gotta it's it's hard to weed out those intrusive thoughts but sometimes it comes down to knowing. Um, what the difference in the voice, uh, I've named my voice, the voice in my head. Kyle. Um, don't know why it was just the first name that came

Benyi: 11:38

to my mind,

Tyler: 11:39

but, uh, his name is Kyle and whenever he gets loud and starts talking these intrusive thoughts, you know, I can tell a difference in his voice and my voice now because I've been able to. In my mind separate these voices as two separate people one of them is me the other one is kyle and i can sit back and say kyle shut up and it's not like i'm telling myself to shut up so i'm telling somebody else another entity a negative entity a demon you know you may say to leave you alone and you know it it was a very hard thing to it's a very hard thing to do i'm it's still very hard sometimes. But I I've learned these coping mechanisms to be able to split up the um split up

12:25

the

Benyi: 12:25

voices Yes, I wonder if even, I mean, I'm, uh, I, I've never been diagnosed for anything, but I can somewhat relate to that part where you said, like, you have a demon inside you and that, like, you need to wrestle with those demons and I'm wrestling with that guy every single day, you know, like, um, and I wonder if, You know, one of my biggest fear is I'm afraid of my own self, you know, of what I can do to people, both physically and mentally. And sometime, like the thoughts I have are like, you know, I'm going to take a simple example, like, um, I do martial art. Right. And I do it to calm my mind to, um, uh. It helps me with my mental health, you know, sometimes when I get into an argument with somebody or somebody gets an argument with me and doesn't respect me and start being belligerent, the intrusive thought of like, instead of being diplomatic about it, I could just knock this guy out and have that piece of immediate release, instant release, peace of mind. I need to, you know, it creeps in my mind and I'm like, no, Benny, don't do it. And what has helped me so far not to get in trouble for a long time was consequential thinking, you know, play the tip forward. What's going to happen if you've. If that person, if you injure them, are you going to go to jail and something, you know, and it works, it sometimes works, you know, most of the time it works, but I'm still afraid that one day it's not going to be enough, you know, uh, that some, one day I'm going to be like, well, fuck it, I'm just going to beat that guy, you know, and get in trouble, but, um What I learned in rehab, when I, and also through, uh, meditation and also through reading is that idea of compassion, like when somebody provoked me. 90 percent of the time, it's not about me. It's like something else is going on with them. So, you know, knowing, coming from that angle of compassion, man, is even stronger than using a consequential thinking. Like, you know, it allows me to be like, Hey man, you know, that guy is suffering, you know, that person who is like provoking for me for nothing is suffering, like I'm not gonna. Hit somebody who's suffering, like, you know, and it helped me go through it. And what I'm saying, all that is like, what is it like for you when Kyle is taking over? It's trying to take over. You say, like, you tell him to shut up, but what is like the exact process? Like in your mind, when he's a, when Kyle is about to creep up. Yeah,

Tyler: 15:39

it, it definitely starts with kind of a feeling in my chest. I know when those intrusive thoughts are coming, I get this pit in my chest. Feels almost like a black hole sucking all the energy out of my body and it makes it feel like you know I'm losing a battle and a battle with myself with kyle and um, you know, then the voices start to come I start hearing things that are telling me like Um, you know, you're not worthy of the love and attention that your wife has given you you're not worthy of love and attention from your friends and family and just Demeaning stuff, you know, telling me that I'm not going to be successful, that I'm going to fail at my businesses. And when those voices start to creep up, it's, it's kind of like a fog, like I mentioned earlier, that settles over your mind where it gets hard to see. You can't really, it's hard to differentiate the real voices from the fake voices from the bad, positive, and you've just. It's so tough to sit back sometimes and close your eyes, focus, and really try to see who's saying what and what's the truth from what's back

Benyi: 16:50

fiction. I see. That's interesting. And when you are in those episodes, does it make it easier to know that you got out of it before and this also should, should pass?

Tyler: 17:07

Yes, that is, that is something that I tell myself quite often, this too shall pass. Um, I've made it through a hundred percent of the bad days so far, and I don't plan to ruin that perfect record.

Benyi: 17:20

Yeah, that's a very interesting because like, uh, that's what also I use sometimes, but man, at the moment it fucking suck. Like, yeah, like, you know, and, uh. Not, not also being able to rely on any, um, substance to make that go away, like I'd have to write that wave as it is make it so much harder, but like with every single, um, but I, I just need me, I just needed to go over the hump a couple of times. To be like, okay, I did it without any substance, so I can do it again and then it happens again, I can do it again, then it happens again, I can do it again, then after like, you don't even remember when it happens, it just like, I don't know, it's like, uh, like the way I see it is like being at the beach and fighting the waves, you know, like when you go with the wave, the flow, it goes easier on your body than trying to like fight it, you know, like, yeah, yeah. Um, you should talk also, um, in, uh, the podcast I listen to, by the way, that was great, great interview, um, with, what's her name again?

Tyler: 18:35

Amanda, Amanda Blackwood.

Benyi: 18:38

Yeah. And, uh, what was the name of that podcast?

Tyler: 18:42

The Survivors.

Benyi: 18:45

Yeah, because of your story and, um, you brought the importance of, um, your support network, uh, and I'm all about support network and I wanted to, can you tell our audience what your support network looks like?

Tyler: 19:01

Yeah, I've got a really great support network. Uh, it's, it's a small circle. It's my, basically my mom, my grandmother. Um, my grandfather passed away in April of 2023. So unfortunately he's not in that circle anymore, but he was, and I will always remember him for that. Um, so my wife, my mother, my grandmother, my brother, my friend, Matt, that I mentioned earlier, and my friend Taylor are some of, and, uh, my business partners at Tea with Coffee Media, Kate. Caitlin, Kayla, Kelsey and love lady and Victoria Moxley are some of the strongest people in my group. Um, I, I just, I have a really tight knit circle and most of them get along with each other and they want to see each other and they want to be around each other and be around me at the same time. So it's a little community that I've built. Around myself of people who just want to love and care and be passionate about me and what we're doing and the love that we're trying to give off, because ultimately that's my goal in life is to show everybody that you're capable of being loved, that you can be loved and that you are valuable.

Benyi: 20:12

Yeah, that's, that's, that's great. Um, you know, that's, that's, I wish it was definitely more common to have that kind of goal because. With society and especially social media, everybody wants to be, um, have money, success, cars, girls, I don't know, fame, that kind of stuff. And you brought up like the desire, like no, not the desire, you brought up the importance of that tight, tight, neat community. And, you know, I, I believe as a human being, we are like social creatures and our desire to belong is sometimes too strong to our detriment, you know, people want to be part of the most exclusive club of this part of this, you know, for future signaling and, you know, how, how do you not All into that. What's your, let me give me a second. Let me think about how, what is your filtering process when you try to build that community?

Tyler: 21:24

It's, it's very tough because I am such an open person. Um, but I've had to learn to set boundaries and realize who is, and who is not good for me. But, um, that started very recently. I went through my personal Facebook. And cleared out about half of the people who I was friends with on Facebook, shut down my Facebook to private so that only people that I'm friends with can see my stuff and wanted to keep certain aspects of my life private because my life had gone so public because of the nature of being an author, being a mental health advocate, being on podcast, being a business owner, there was so much going on that I was in the public eye and I wanted to kind of take a step back because I was getting an undated with request from people who want it to be, you know, personal friends and wanted to get closer and wanted, it started to become too much. And while I am here for everybody, you know, through my business pages and my author branded pages, you know, I'd want to be here and want to listen, but I need that to separate, um, my professional self from my personal life and be able to step back and say, okay, I need to focus on the people that are good for me, the people that. Help me and support me in support. Doesn't always come in monetary support. That's the thing that I think a lot of people get confused on, you know, liking my stuff on Facebook and Twitter and instagram and sharing my books and leaving reviews, you know, because most of my close friends and family in my circle, they get free copies of my books. They pay to read all my stuff. So, yeah. You know, just being able to get them, you know, let them support me and see how they support me. That's how I really choose my circle is by the way people support me. Because if you're supporting me and lifting me up, we can all get higher to that next level. You know, because whenever I'm at the top, I can reach down and pull you right up with me. And that's my goal is to, we have a saying at tea with coffee media that, um, a rising tide lifts all ships. And that's truly what we believe. We try to put, put together the greatest fleet of ships and let the tide rise us all to that next level and support one another where that money, that support isn't always monetarily sometimes it is, but. It comes in free fashion too, and that's really where it comes down to me is the support that I get for my mission and my goals and my life. Because if you can't support me now whenever I'm struggling or whenever I'm not successful, then why should you be supporting me when I'm successful? Why should I be bringing you into my inner circle whenever you didn't believe in me whenever I was at the bottom? Yeah,

Benyi: 24:14

like, oh man, that's definitely something I can relate to wave. And, uh, like you said, like you mentioned the word of inner circles and that's, that's an approach also that I, I did it divided, uh, I made for myself was. I can have several circles of my own, you know, um, circles of intimacy, or yeah, for lack of a better word, like, you know, I can let the people that I meet every day, you know, know a little bit about me, then have a inner circle for the friend that I think are closer, then another circle for the true, true friends like that I, You know, that if tomorrow something were to happen to me, or I'm going, you know, I'm not feeling that well that I will call and at first, it's like, like you said, it's like setting boundaries. But at first I was like, oh, man, I don't know, like, I thought I was treating people differently based on, I don't know how to say it. That I was being, um, that I needed to treat everybody with the same regard when it comes to friendship and stuff, but it doesn't have to be, you know, um, I'm still respectful to the people that I call like acquaintances that I see every day, but I have friends that like I will go to for like deeper stuff and it's, you know, It allows me making that stratification, allows me to protect also myself, like emotionally, you know, because I mean, it's all of us, I believe we don't relate like you, the friend that you have that you named that are like your, that neat circle. They're not as close to you as the people you go in your regular business every day. Right.

Tyler: 26:24

Yeah, and that's, that's the thing, you know, I've got some people, like you said, some people who I am acquaintances with, who I, if I see them out in public, or I see them, you know, post something on Facebook or whatever it may be, I'll comment, like their stuff, you know, just say, Hey, how are you doing? Um, but then I've got the people who are in my inner circle, um, the ones who I consider family, um, not even friends at this point that may or may not be blood related. Um, you know, I believe a chosen family is even more powerful than a given family. So there are ways to be able to still treat everybody with respect and still be able to, you know, have acquaintances and have friends, but not let them in on every little thing, every little detail in your life. And I think that's an important thing to realize is that there are some people in your life who will use that information against you. And there are people who will use that information to support you. Yes, I

Benyi: 27:30

know. We, I'm glad we shared that view and like on this point, funny story. That's why, like. I'm not, I'm, I don't think I ever told that story, but I'm not a fan of celebrating my birthday or any event where I'm the center of the attention because there's going to be people there who are at those different level of friendships. Right? Like, uh, let's say for example, a wedding, let's say it's my wedding and a lot, I'm invite like a hundred people, not all a hundred people are my tight friend, but I cannot show during that wedding that I'm friendlier with other people. Right? So that kind of trying to show the same, um, it's not respect, but the same, okay. The same level of appreciation to everybody that knows me is, is, is like, it's so taxing on my mind and I don't want to be rude. So, so that's why sometimes my boundaries are like porous. Because I'm like, Oh, all those people show up for me, I'm going to treat them the same, but like, it gets me on my mind, I become anxious, all I want to do is like to get the hell out of here, like, I don't want to be part of it, like, because if I cannot treat everybody the same, I just would rather be by myself, so like, you know, those are the kind of interaction, like I said, I have a social battery. And when it depletes, I just want to be by myself, like, you know,

Tyler: 29:10

yeah, I totally understand that, you know, uh, the wedding thing, I've got a funny story about my wedding is we had it during the COVID era. So our venue actually shut down during, uh, COVID, so we couldn't have our wedding at our venue. So we had to have it at our, in our backyard. So we had a guest list of between my wife and I, about 150 to 200 people that we were inviting and had to cut that down to 70 people about a, yeah, talk about a struggle having to explain to 75 plus people that they were no longer invited to my wedding because. They weren't at that level. Yeah, that that was tough and it was a very hard conversation to have uh Yeah but uh I I eventually went with You know, I invited everybody, you know, only people that got invited were my family members And that's what I told people. And while some people weren't blood related, like I said earlier, they're still my family and that's what counts. So,

Benyi: 30:17

Oh, man, I cannot imagine going to that of your dog. That's definitely, uh, uh, a trial there. And like, uh, how did you feel mentally when you had to do that?

Tyler: 30:29

Oh, it was, it was rough because I felt so, I felt so bad. Um, you know, I, I had to uninvite people that I worked with. And they kind of got judgy and judgmental towards me about it afterwards. And I'm like, I have no choice, you know, and that was the, that was the hard part. It wasn't like I was doing this to be malicious. I was doing this because I literally had no other choice. I couldn't fit 200 people in my backyard, nor could I afford a tent that fit 200 people or 200 chairs for people. And I had to cut it down to what I could afford and what I could fit. And some people, you know, that goes back to what we were saying earlier. Some people will use that personal information only for their gain. And if they're not getting any gain for it, well,

Benyi: 31:16

you know, yeah, that's, that's definitely sad. But for sharing that story. It's definitely interesting. I'm playing it in my mind. I'm like, Oh, damn that. Oh, man. Oh, that's it. But, uh, all right, let's move on, on, um, your business and your writing. Uh, you offer. You write some novels based on your personal experience. Um, can you do elaborate on that?

Tyler: 31:43

Yeah. So my, the first book I ever wrote was a novella by the name of Not Alone. It was based on true events surrounding my journey with mental illness, different, uh, phases that I went through. It also covers some of my addiction to opioids in there. Um, and how I got hooked on those to begin with. And it really displays the vulnerability and the transparency that I try to show in my books, um, that you can be mentally ill, but you have support and you can succeed and you can still be successful and you can go from being at rock bottom to being at the top of the mountain. And it's possible with, you know, the right support and the right help. Um, I recently rewrote that book as a full length novel and really, and published it in October of 2023. My second book was a poetry collection called coffee, alcohol, and heartbreak, which I actually wrote between 2012 and 2016. That was three years before my diagnosis with mental illness and a year after my diagnosis with mental illness. So it shows kind of the journey going from the darkest point of my life to whenever I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel that was published in 2020, and then in 2021, I released my first romance novel, the seeds of love, which is the sunflower kisses book one. It's the first of a five book series. And it is about, it's told from a man's point of view, but he is a mentally ill young man who gets in a long distance relationship with this girl, and it goes through the, uh, you know, difficulties, the obstacles that he overcomes, battling his own insecurities, battling the long distance relationship aspect, and just battling everyday life with mental illness. The second book for that series is set to come out in 2024. I also released in July of 2023, Enamored Echoes Book One, Potent, which is a modern day retelling of A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare. And the main character in that, uh, that I write, it's actually co written by me and my, one of my friends, Kelseyann Lovelady. And I write as Oberon, the King of the Fae, and he is schizophrenic in that book, so I wanted to show that. Even gods and deities could have mental illness that even they weren't perfect, but you could still overcome it. Um, i've got a new book coming out in March of 2024. It is called the principles principles it is a women's historical fiction based on my grandmother's experience as a the first female principal in a very rural county in the southern united states And, uh, while it is a fictional book based on made up events, the character is very much based off of my grandmother and her strength. Um, overcoming, you know, the adverse, the, uh, adversity and the bigotry that she had to face being a female, uh, educator or female, uh, principal in the late eighties.

Benyi: 34:50

Oh, yeah, that's a very interesting man. You're very prolific. I like that. Um, is that, um, is it fair to say that, uh, writing. Uh, both novel writing in general, novel or poetry is like a catharsis for your, um, your mental health.

Tyler: 35:09

Yes, absolutely. I love, I love writing. People ask me, you know, one thing I get asked a lot is how do you manage writing your books, your blogs? I have a podcast and 2 businesses. How do you manage all that? And I'm like, it's. It's easy when I love all of it because I see it more of a hobby than a job. I don't see my writing as a, as a job anymore. I see it as a hobby that I get to do and have fun with. And it's a release and I get to just sit down at the computer and let my fingers type away and explore this new world that I'm developing, um, with blogs. I get to do this research and learn new things. I'm a big proponent of education and learning and constant continuing education. And being able to, you know, do these blog posts, do these podcasts where I'm learning new things, it's just, it's an amazing experience and I, I really, I think it helps my mental health so much.

Benyi: 36:04

Yes, I will definitely love to, uh, read, uh, some of your writing and your books. Um, like, you know, because, um, I think, uh, the. Accuracy of what, uh, somebody who suffers from mental illness go through will be higher if the book is, you know, or whatever piece of media is written by somebody with, uh, who experienced it firsthand. That's why our, to circle back to the beginning of the interview, when I was talking about like the depiction of mental illness in some shows. Um, we recently, you know, whether, I don't know if you know, the Ozarks, right? That show, the Ozarks on Netflix, uh, or like even Homeland with, uh, uh, what's her name again, uh, I forgot, I'm going to remember her name, but the main character of Homeland, uh, she suffer from bipolar, she's a bipolar. And do you remember that show Homeland? Do not. Okay. So like, uh, she, it's a basically, uh, a CIA analyst who suffer from bipolar. Um, and for some reason, when she doesn't take her meds, all the sudden she can piece things together because she thinks really outside of the box. But it takes her into like a manic state where like, she, she's even destructive to herself, but she can piece together like any type of like, uh, terrorist cell or like anything that like. Somebody who it takes her mind to another place, you know, as if she was like, all of a sudden, you know, how like, um, some, um, people suffering from autism can be really smart and solve like state, like so many numbers after pie or like solve some, like really deep because of the way of, um, thinking the thought process. It, the way the show depicted, it was as if like she had a superpower if when she was not on her meds and when she was on her meds, she was just a regular person and, um, you have a bunch of shows that depict it like that. So, uh, my question is like, what do you think of the depiction of, uh, mental illness in shows and, um,

Tyler: 38:39

yeah. There, there's definitely a long way to go, um, because I think that is a very harmful way of thinking because it almost encourages people not to take their medication because they feel like they don't. Then they're going to have these superpowers and while yes, if you don't take your medication, you could go into a manic state, but that's not a good thing because I've been in manic states before where I have completely, you know, with a manic state, you feel like you're on top of the world. You feel like you're invincible. You can't be stopped. You're the most creative, you know, I love writing whenever I'm in a manic state, but I know that I'm going to tear myself down and it's not worth. You know that those extra two or three hundred words that I might be able to put down to tear myself down because you go on to sprees where You do feel like you can do anything and you start taking on too many tasks at work or too many projects And you start spending too much money and making too many obligations that you can't keep And it really destroys you as a person, because you feel like you're letting everybody down once you go back into a depressive stage, or once you get out of that manic stage, and you start seeing, oh wow, I'm supposed to be doing this, this, and this. And now I don't have, you know, the energy or the motivation to do it and even, you know, manic stages don't last forever. And that's the thing that I think people need to understand is just because you don't take your medicine doesn't mean you're going to be in a manic state. It could mean that you're in a depressive state and a depressive state, you know. Is one of the worst things that can happen to somebody with bipolar disorder because then they're stuck thinking with their own thoughts of suicide and, uh, you know, relapsing and all kinds of things where their mind takes control over their body. And if you're not on that medication to help control and lift that fog and help to tell the difference between Kyle's voice and your voice, then. You know, what are, what's, what's going to protect you from the demons?

Benyi: 40:50

Yes. Yes. I see. That's, that's true. So in your idea, um, in your opinion, what would be a good depiction of if you were to create a show or like, um, depicting, uh, um, mental illness, like, do you have any favorite show out there that you like that you think are like the most

Tyler: 41:12

accurate? I wouldn't say a show necessarily that I can think of, um, but, uh, silver lighting playbook. Yes. Yes. Silver lighting playbook. That is probably one of the best, um, representations of bipolar disorder. Uh, that I've ever seen. I love that.

Benyi: 41:37

Yeah, that one is great. I really liked it too. I need to watch it again because it's been, uh, it's been a while and, uh, I remember the movie, but I don't remember the feel of it, so I need to watch it again. Definitely. Um, but yeah, like, uh, now, um, I heard in one of your podcasts, uh, they are podcasts where you were like the suffering one that, um, You still, um, drink, but like craft beers, you are into craft beers. And for some people, um, you know, when they call themselves sober, it's sober of everything. Me personally, I have no qualm with calling yourself sober. If you know your addiction were just drugs or opiates. Um, but yeah, there's a certain, uh, funny point that you said when we talked that like you even sober from liquor and, um, to me. I didn't make the distinction really between liquor and beer because they get, they both get you drunk, but like, what, how does that work for you? What's the distinction there?

Tyler: 42:52

So with liquor, I had a bad habit of going overboard, drinking to get drunk. Um, with craft beer, I enjoy the flavor profiles. I enjoy, um, the conversations about how they were made. Uh, because if you go to a lot of craft breweries and sit down with the hot master or the bartender, whoever it may be. They'll explain to you what they, what the process for making that beer was like, or, you know, what they included some people, some breweries have included cocoa puffs in their, um, no way through. Yes. Yes. I've had a, uh, cocoa puffs, uh, stout and I mean, that it's things like that. They're just so interesting. So intricate. I don't drink them to get drunk. I don't drink beer to get drunk. I, I drink it for the flavor.

Benyi: 43:41

Yes. Uh, so the way I see it, it's a little bit like a sommelier that tastes the wine for the wine profile, except for beers. Yeah. And, um, how did you, um, was that always the case when you were like getting yourself together, sober, or were you like sober for a while? And then you were like, huh, let me try five beers. How did you, how did you stop? How did you stop drinking to get drunk and fall into that hobby of yours?

Tyler: 44:13

I stayed sober for about three years from everything. Um, didn't touch any kind of opioid, no kind of liquor, alcohol, beer, nothing. Um, and that was my time to get myself together, to learn my limits, to better understand what, why I was drinking to get drunk, why I was taking pills to get high. Um, and once I was able to kind of come to terms with myself and accept it. I still didn't want to drink, um, that, you know, I, I didn't have this desire, this craving to drink, but a buddy of mine was big into the craft beer scene whenever it first came into our small town of Wilmington, North Carolina, and I would go out with him and just sit at the bar. I would drink water and he would, you know, drink a craft beer. And I went to, uh, this place called Edward Teach Brewery in Wilmington, North Carolina, and they had this beer on tap called Teach's Peaches. And I'm a big peach lover. I love all peach drinks, peach flavor, candy, whatever it is, love peaches. So I was like, I'll give it a shot. So, you know, I tasted one. I was like, man, this is not like the beer that I remember from college because I hated beer in college. You know, it wasn't, it wasn't something that tasted good to me. And I just, I hate it the way it was. So I never really drank that much in college of beer. And so I tasted it and I was like, man, this is great. And I started talking to my buddy about it and he was explaining to me the different, different types of craft beer and the different processes that they use. And then I got to talking to the hop master or the brew master and the bartender and the owner of the brewery, and I just fell in love with this whole world, the science behind craft beer and the community. Of craft beer. I've met a lot of great people through craft beer, just going to breweries and sitting down and, you know, looking over and saying, Hey, what are you having? Here's what I'm having. It's really good. And then we'll just spark up a conversation. And, you know, I don't go overboard. Like I said, I like it because of the flavor profile. I like it because of the community that you can have through it. Um, the people that you meet and just the atmosphere of breweries are so fun. You know, my wife and I. Like I said earlier, we travel full time and we try to find, uh, craft breweries that also serve craft coffee because she's a big coffee aficionado and I'm a big coffee aficionado. Oh, same

Benyi: 46:33

here, bro. Guilty as charged. Yeah. Guilty as charged. Yeah. Yeah. Keep going. Sorry. I didn't, uh,

Tyler: 46:40

yeah. No, no, you're fine. Yeah. We, uh, so we try to find those combos and make the best of both worlds, but. I don't overdo it, I think, you know, especially, I don't really drink during the week at all, um, unless we go out to a brewery specifically for dinner one night, I might have one or two. Um, but during the week I try to limit my alcohol consumption to zero and on the weekends, that's when I try to go out and enjoy a beer here and there. Um, but it's definitely, it's a fine line about overindulgence and making sure that you don't cross that line and get back into old habits because once you start to get back into those old habits, it's, it's hard to break them again, but. I think, uh, staying away from liquor has been my biggest saving grace because I've never had an even smelling liquor now makes me sick to my stomach, which is a good thing.

Benyi: 47:36

Yeah, like, uh, I bet the triggers bad memories whenever you have that smell and stuff. Yeah, I, I definitely, um. Especially when you say like coffee of Shishinado, like now I can see how, you know, traveling the country to try different roasts, coffee roasts and stuff will definitely be my thing. Um, but like, um, now this raises this question, um, you know, how do you handle yourself or what's your state of mind when. You while going on a brewery or drinking, you surrounded by people who are not there for the appreciation of what it is, but are there to get shit face and sorry, but like in. In our current media culture, I mean, the super curiosity movement is raising the awareness is raising, but shit face culture is still huge. So how do you navigate that? Yeah,

Tyler: 48:43

it, you know, being, having my, uh, wanting to get shit faced. Faze back in college really helped me to realize that that's not what I wanted to do. And now being in a position to where I have a wife, I have dogs that I have to take care of. I have a family, I have to be able to function. I have a business that, you know, two businesses that working hours never really end. I do the job whenever it comes necessary. So I can't get drunk because I have to be able to function. At all times so being able to remind myself that you know While there are still people out there like the college students who are going out there getting shit faced, you know I'm, not that person anymore And, you know, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with wanting to go out and do that, but there are better things to do in your life than to be, then to get drunk 24 seven. And, you know, if, if it's something, if it's a phase you're going through in college, all I can say is, you know, let it be a phase, but don't let it be your life because it can definitely get out of hand and just know your limits. You know, it's not worth waking up every day with a, with a damn hangover. And your head pounding and feeling like you're going to throw up, like, I'm over that. That's for the birds.

Benyi: 50:04

Yeah, like I definitely, and like, you know, um, you sound so secure right now and that's definitely what, um, I can share that mental state where like. You know, man, I, I, I went to back, I went to hell and back man. So like, the idea of peer pressure of getting shit face and stuff doesn't even phase me, man. When people are like, oh, you don't drink, not even month. I'm like, man, you, I know so much more now that like peer pressure is a joke, like. Like, you cannot shake me because I know exactly where it's going to put me and I'm not there trying to prove anything to, and to go back to that circle of, I don't need that desire to, I don't need to belong that bad that I will do things to compromise my, my core self, you know. But yeah, all right. I think we are reaching the end of this interview. Um, thank you, Tyler, a lot. Uh, um, so let's finish with that. The floor is yours. What would you like to talk about or ask, you know, any question?

Tyler: 51:23

I just want to say, you know, if there's anybody out there who's struggling, I mentioned it on this podcast already, but find me on any social media platform that I'm on. Um, I'm at Tyler Witkowski. I'm pretty much everything. And I will be there for you to listen, to, to talk, to, to cry with or to yell at whatever you need, I am here for you. Um, don't feel like you're alone. There is somebody out there who's willing to listen. Because it's like I tell all my friends, I would much rather stay up until three o'clock in the morning listening to you tell me about your problems than have to read them on a suicide note the next morning. And I mean that for every single person in this world, because every single human being who loves deserves to be loved.

Benyi: 52:09

Damn, that's deep. Like I really like that part. Yeah, man. Okay. All right. Uh, so speaking of social media and stuff, guys, I'm going to add the link and the description to all your social, uh, handles and so people can find you. All right, guys. Um, I will see you for the conclusion. Bye. All right. All right. All right. This concludes episode 46 of Third Way to Redemption. Big thank you to Tyler for being my guest in this episode on a more centered toward like a mental health and, um, addiction. You know, um, I'm, I was surprised during this interview how much I did, uh, relate and identify to Um, what Tyler was saying, like, especially the, the demon part and, uh, not the voices met, but like the, almost the alter ego that we need to quiet down when, you know, um, we going through the, to the, uh, to, to, to the rest of, you know, of life and stuff. It's funny, like, you know, I never, I would never thought that this, I will identify so much with. Everything that he said. Um, all right, guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode. And, uh, as always I will see you next week. Bye