Episode 44: Do It for Yourself

Benyi: 0:05

Hi, my name is Benny Johnson. As some of you know, I've been struggling with addiction. However, I decided to change my life and went into recovery. I started this podcast 90 days clean and I want to take you along in my journey. What does lie ahead of me? Let me be frank. I do not know. Will I ever drink again? I do not know. This is how Stairway to Redemption was born. It is my search for answer in a real time process of what is going to work for me. It is then my aspiration to help you figure out what is going to work for you. It is our journey together. Hello and welcome to another episode of Stairway to Redemption. Today I have a special guest here, my roommate from who I have been patient. He has celebrated a year sober the past summer, and he's going to share with us his story, his journey in recovery, and tips on how he is maintaining his Spirit and his mind spiritually fit. Um, I give you guys, Edwin, Edwin, how you

Edwin: 1:36

doing? Hey everybody. My name is Edwin. Um, by the grace of God, I'm sober today. I want to thank my higher power because without him, none of this would be possible. Uh, like it talks about in the big book, um, the alcoholic or that hopeless variety. Uh, 12 years of bumping my head. You know, numerous jails and institutions, and when I mean nothing, nothing, nothing could stop me from using. The only thing that has ever worked for me is a higher power in this 12 step program, which I choose. You know, I choose to call my higher power God, and you know, I go to AA 12 step fellowship. Oh,

Benyi: 2:14

that's good, man. Um, so like, you know, the tradition here, speaking of 12 steps and tradition, the tradition in this podcast, the first question is the state of the mind address. So what's going on in your life lately? You just came back from a trip. So how you

Edwin: 2:28

been? Okay. Uh, I'm doing great right now mentally. So I'll, I'll say right now today, right now where I'm at. Um, so I have 460 Eight days sober. Right. And, uh, and I'm free. And thanks to that freedom, I was able to, to, you know, do some business ventures and stuff. And I get to travel because I wouldn't be able to leave my, my, my neighborhood because I needed what I needed when I wanted it and when I needed it and I will never travel. So thank God I traveled. And, uh, to be honest with you, you know, on that travel, I was away for about three weeks and, um, over there, I really made no meetings. I didn't go online any meetings online. I went to mass one time and I say that to say this that I, you know, I got disconnected and, uh, you know, I, I really got disconnected where I wasn't even praying and meditating. I wasn't doing my 11 step prayer, my 10 step. I wouldn't do it really much. But just focusing on work over there, which is very dangerous. So today, thank God, you know, I've been making meetings ever since I got back. I got a support group as awesome. That calls me once I got back and you know, Hey, you want to make a meeting? I haven't seen you in a while. And you know, that's what the whole fellowship is about. So today right now I'm grateful, but I'm very, very vigilant because I know where, you know, it's, it's. It's a habit, man. I had a great habit. I had a nice system down, you know, set up, wake up in the morning, do my little prayer meditation, read some daily reflections, and do what I had to do, and you know, slowly but surely, uh, that kind of faded away. So now I'm trying to get back into the routine of doing that because, you know, My problem is, is those spiritual blocks between me and my higher power, man. So

Benyi: 4:06

that's, that's, uh, that I think I get what he's saying. So like you, you, it's like you building a stock of likes being spiritually fed. And when you were away on vacation, since you couldn't access that, you were busy using your resources. But once you got back, you were like. You jump back on the horse just to make sure that that stock of, of, of, of how you say, like, I don't know, that stock of, um, good intentions of like that, that you reset your mindset to what it's supposed to be. Right? Exactly. Yeah, I get that. I get that. That's true. Because, you know, sometime, I mean, I remember in the summer. When I travel in June to Canada, uh, I went to couples, a couple AA meetings, but it was not the same as thing. I'm not, I was not tempted. I don't know about you. I was not tempted to do anything, but it's just felt good when I was good home that I could. Get back to my routine and just, you know, like get myself spiritually fit. It's like the way I see it is like you go away on vacation. You cannot really go to the gym and then you come back home and you get back to your routine instead of being like. Oh, shit, I haven't gone in a gym for so long. And then you procrastinate and then you don't go to the gym when you get back. That's how I see it.

Edwin: 5:23

Exactly. It's a dangerous, slippery slope, you know, and that's why I have to stay vigilant. So I'm vigilant right now, but otherwise I'm very grateful, man. Cause like I said, I never traveled, I never went anywhere, you know, I was comfortable, it's sad to say, but I was comfortable in jails and institutions. That's what I knew, the revolving door, the revolving door of addiction. Yeah.

Benyi: 5:43

So talking about jail institution, you're going to now. Tell us your story, like how, you know, something brief, how you ended up, um, how you were introduced to alcohol and drugs and how you ended up in recovery.

Edwin: 5:59

Okay. So, um, Very quickly. Um, you know, I tried alcohol when I was young, maybe 13 years old. I was away at the Dominican Republic and you know, my problem has always been that I wanted to fit in with somebody. So you know what the young kids were doing? There was drinking and guess what? I drank. I got drunk at the age of 13. I'll never forget it. I was puking by a river and it was the worst experience ever. And I didn't like it. And, uh, you know, the sickening part is like the following weekend, I did it all over again. And that that's insane right there. And that should have been a little lesson in itself right there. So fast forward the tape, like I said, I always wanted to fit in and, uh, you know, in high school, what are kids doing? You know, weekend parties, everybody's smoking pot. So I started smoking pot weekend parties. And then eventually, you know, I start hanging out with other kids that are doing. Bigger and, and, and worse things, you know, cocaine, ecstasy, and, um, I didn't see it back then cause I, I really thought that I was in control, but I had a problem back then, man. Cause you know, like, let's say my regular friends probably smoke one, one joint of weed a day, right? I was smoking like five or six, man. I was cutting classes. I wasn't going to classes. I was smoking. So there were like warning signs that I just didn't adhere to when I was younger. And, um, At that time, I remember, um, I had caught, um, uh, a robbery charge and, uh, that was my first time in the system and they put you in probation and, you know, right away I couldn't, I couldn't not, I couldn't stop smoking weed. That was like a big red flag and I didn't see it back then because, you know, it's not a big deal in the correctional. You know, it's not a big deal. It kind of is, but it's really not, especially if you're young. So they had me going to outpatient. I can never pass out, you know, pass any tests and stuff like that. And then, uh, you know, hanging out with the wrong kind of people and stuff like that. Uh, somebody was like, Hey, why don't you try, you know, PCP? You know, it's just like weed. And, and they don't even test for it at that time, they only really tested for coke, weed and opiates, not even opiates, I think it was just heroin. So I started smoking PCP and, and that was like, uh, a big, um, it opened the doors. Cause that, that, that, that drug was like really messing with my mental state and, and it just turned me into a complete different person. And then I started to notice. That the effects of drugs will make me forget about any problems that I had, any anxiety, any feelings, period. And, um, you know, I, I went to jail a couple of other times and stuff like that. And, um, I got stabbed one time and, uh, I got introduced to opiates. And I had lost, uh, this girl that I, was my girlfriend at the time and stuff like that. And, um, You know, I got cut off the pills and long story short, I was doing opiates for a while. And, uh, basically, you know, that turned into a nightmare, 12 years of, of pain and misery, revolving doors, jail and institutions. I couldn't stop. It didn't matter what it was. I just didn't want to feel anymore. The guilt and shame had me in this revolving. Door. And it's crazy because you think about it like the guilt and shames that you, I talk about the guilt and shame and any normal person would have probably my, well, you know, if you keep doing the same thing, you're going to have more guilt and more resentment and more shame. But I didn't see it like that. I just knew that whenever I picked up, I didn't feel, I didn't think, I didn't think about, you know, how my life was turning out, that that's not what I planned in life. You know, nobody plans in life to be going in and out of jails and in and out of rehabs. You know, addicted to substances, that's not what I pictured, you know, if you asked me in the ninth grade, what do you want to be? It surely wasn't going to be, you know, a derelict in the streets, you know, trying to support my own habit and stuff like that. So, you know, it was just many, many years of jails and institutions and, and I, and these false promises that I would tell myself that I had it under control and that I would just do this one time. That was my, that was like the biggest worst thing that I used to tell myself coming at it, coming out of jail, coming out of rehabs. And those were the worst things like that was the worst thing that I could sit in jail. And I'm not going to say that I've ever did a bit sober cause that's, that's how I know that I have a, uh, an addiction problem. I'm, I'm a real alcoholic addict, you know, cause. Not even jails keep me sober. No rehab kept me sober. Normally people go to rehab when they're sick and tired of being sick and tired. And they're like, this is the last straw. Let me, let me fix myself up. I will go in there and say, you know what? I could do it one more time. I'm behind the wall. I'm behind, I'm in clothes. I'm in a rehab. Um, I'm just going to do it this last time. And when I get out of here, I'm going to take stuff seriously. But I never did. You know, it was always. That, that insane thinking, that disease of the mind, that always told me, you could do it one more time, just one more time, it won't be as bad as the last time, you won't get carried away, cause you already know the difference, you know, if you do it two, three days in a row, you're done, you're finished, you're off to the races, I would always tell myself like, nah, I learned from the last time, I'll just do it on Friday and that's it. It's funny. It's funny right now. But yeah, it's the honest truth, man. And that kept me sick and it kept me out there for many, many years. Listen, no jail kept me from doing drugs. No judge ever kept me away from doing drugs. My mom crying and begging and pleading wouldn't stop me from doing drugs and alcohol. Not my brother, not talking to me or my sister, not talking to me. There were no consequences, the point blank period, the line is that there was no consequence too great that ever scared me or stopped me from using. My own daughter, I said, well, when I, you know, when I have a daughter, I'll stop. Not even that, bro. Not even losing my whole family won't make me stop because it just had a grip of me, man. It was powerful. It had, it had me and until I changed my mind and changed the way I thought and actually started listening into like rehabs and what they had to offer. And actually the first step was for me to actually say, you know what? And this was the hardest step that I ever took in my life was to actually admit and say, you know what? I really do have a problem with this crap. I can't stop. I really can't stop. I think I can, but, but my experience shows me that I can't. I've been doing this for 12 years and I can't, I can't. I always try it by myself and I can't stop by myself. Maybe I do need this help that these people are talking about. What is this 12 step? What is AA? What are they talking about? Would this really work for me? And I started being open minded. That's all that they asked for is to be a little open minded. And I started being open minded and I started to hear people. And when people went up there and said they had forget about these large numbers that I hear now, you know, like 30 days, 30 years, 20 years, 15 years. These people were just simply saying to me. That they had, I believe three years. Some guys say he had five. I looked at him like he was God. I said, what? I told him right after the meeting, I go, how much time do you have? He goes five. And I go, can I ask you a serious question, man? He goes, yeah, what's up? This was my first sponsor. I go, you really have five years? And he goes, yeah. Cause I couldn't believe it, bro. I couldn't put. I couldn't put an hour together sometimes I would wake up in the morning and say, listen, I'm definitely not using today because of my daughter, you know, because of whatever it was never. That was a big problem too. I never wanted to get sober for myself. It was always so my mom wouldn't stop. So my mom wouldn't be crying. So my daughter will have a dad, so I'll be a good husband or whatever. It was never because I really wanted to, because I loved myself and I cared about myself and I respected myself because I always felt like I was a piece of, you know, a piece of. Piece of dirt, basically.

Benyi: 13:46

Yeah, you can swear, man, if you want to.

Edwin: 13:50

So, yeah. Basically, um, you know, I just, I had a long time because of many different factors. I can't just pinpoint one reason, just say, and then the biggest reason is, I love the effects of alcohol and drugs, man. I love it. I just don't like the consequences, man. You know, and then I had to kind of like kind of pinpoint, like, why do I like to get high? Why do I like to get drunk? Why? Because I don't like to feel I like to run away from my problems. I don't think that I'm worthy enough to live life on life terms. And the most important thing is that I really don't know how to live a sober life. It's foreign to me. I've never been sober since the age of 16. I've been smoking weed and drinking alcohol all my life, you know, and it was just a new way of living and I was scared. And I remember a counselor once said to my mom, he said, he's not going to stop because He's comfortable doing what he's doing. And I looked at him like, are you crazy? I'm comfortable going to jail, being on probation and then coming here to freaking inpatient and outpatient. You guys think this is comfortable? And he's like, it's all, you know, right now. And I didn't understand that that flew over my head because I, I still, that was like, probably like my second or third year of doing that. And I still needed to grasp what he was talking about, man. I was comfortable living that life because I knew that life. I knew that you go to jail, you go to jail for whatever, a couple of months, you come out, you'll be on probation. If you can't stay sober, you know, they'll send you to rehabs and you just keep doing that dance back and forth. And then here and there, they might send you to jail for 30 days because there's no open beds. And I just basically know the system, like how bad, how, how bad can it really get? Jail. I'm not going to do a lot of time depending on the crime that I did, you know, and it's sad. It's a sad way of thinking and stuff like that. Never did death cross my mind. You know, never did death cross my mind. But the whole point is, the way I got sober is because I finally became open-minded. Mm-Hmm. I became open-minded, and I started hearing the message and I started hear, hearing the message of hope, that if they could do it, and I would hear, you know, more. In the beginning it was all about war stories. Mm-Hmm. Like if this guy was talking about how he did this and the way he did it, and how much he did, that's what I wanted to hear.'cause I thought, oh my God, this guy's just like me. Mm-Hmm. And then when he would talk about how much time he had or. Not even how much time he had, but just that he's not doing that anymore. He's changed his life around and that if he could do it, I could do it. And I was like, maybe that's worked for him, but it won't work for me. I'm special. I'm unique. But you know, after so many times, you know, so much time, so much misery, so much pain, I finally gave it a shot. I finally gave it a shot and it didn't work for me because obviously it's a 12 step fellowship and I'll never forget that saying it's a 12 step fellowship if you're not doing the 12 steps you're just loitering in AA and I was just basically going to meetings making coffee and greeting people. Yeah. I wasn't doing any work on myself. Uh huh. But, uh, basically that's, uh, you know, a quick rundown of my past

Benyi: 16:44

sobriety. Yeah, man. Like, you know, um, that's amazing. And like, I like the part where you said about, um, uh, the part you said about, uh, the jail and institution were not enough to keep you sober, that you were like, uh, that counselor said that you were like too comfortable. And I think like what. But if I understood that correctly, there's a difference. You are comfortable, but it was not pleasant. It's not because you, you can be comfortable in something that's not pleasant because like he said, like, that's what you know, you know, that's like the environment you grew up. That's what you know. And that's hard sometimes even for me to get out of my comfort zone to try to explore something because you know, this is what I know, you know, this is, I know this, this is, uh, Comforting. Like, you know, I know what to expect. I know what the results are going to be, but like, you know, um, it's, it's, it's hard because as you men, I feel like, you know, trying something different and the unknown or something is really hard to conceptualize to be like, yeah, I'm going to try this, but I don't know where it's going to lead me. And that can be scary. You know, um, what is it about this time in rehab that made you. Yeah. You know, tell you that this is the one, like, I know you said, like, you were open minded, but was there like something more powerful than that? Like, or moments that you remember vividly. And please don't tell me it was me because I was your roommate because I don't have that power.

Edwin: 18:21

Nah, you know, like, uh, you saw how I was in rehab, man, it's shameful to even think that I was doing stuff like that, but that's my truth, you know, I was running around in there getting high and, and, uh, you know, I was in there getting high, man, in the bathroom while you were in bed doing whatever you were doing, writing. Doing whatever you were doing, you always do up to something, doing some exercise and I would always look at you and be like, damn it, man, how's this kid doing it? Why can't I do it? And you know, that was, that was sometimes also when I was in the room by myself and you were nowhere around these. People that I was in there with were nowhere around and I was faced there with myself and then I would hear a message in AA and I'll be in the room by myself and I'll be like, Yo, what am I changing about myself? Why do I think that this time is going to be any different? Look what I'm doing. I'm doing the same old behaviors, man. I'm in here freaking, you know, Doing pharmaceutical drugs, about getting, getting suboxone from people, doing everything there was in there, smoking crazy cigarettes. I wasn't really changing anything about myself, and uh, for once, I really, really wanted to change. I really wanted to change. I had, I had gotten sober the year before, but I ended up relapsing. And um, I kind of knew what I had to do, and I, and basically, I asked myself, like, Edwin, are you willing to go? Any length to get sober, are you willing to do anything, any, take any suggestions and do anything that these people are saying? Like I already knew that I had to make 90 meetings in 90 days and I didn't want to do that. I already knew that I had to take some type of home group and some type of commitment to stay active in the community. I didn't want to do that. And then they told me the reason why I relapsed was because, you know, I didn't do the 12 steps. I didn't work anything without me. And I'm like, honestly, I was like, yo, this is too much work, man. I just want to. Come into rehab and leave and be cured, man. Like, can't they just like, give me a magic pill and I'm done. I'm cured. And, um, you know, just everything the, what counselors used to say, you know, all the exercises, I was emotional wrecking there, man. Like I had a lot of therapy with different, different, uh, staff there. They really like, you know, help me peel the onion. They started the process of peeling the onion and showing me that I was a person that, you know, deserved more, man. You know, and that if anybody could do it, I could do it too. I think it was just a combination of everything, a good roommate like yourself, you know, the good messages that were being brought up there. And just like honestly being, that little moment of clarity, man. That little moment of clarity that I'll be in the womb by myself and for some reason I never correlated how a higher power of God could keep me sober. Like, I didn't understand that. I was like, nah, man, I just have to have some willpower. I have to stop. I just got to say no, like Nancy Reagan, just say no. And I was like, when I see these guys, I'm just going to say no. And that's it. That's the answer. Yeah. And you know, like. I just had to really surrender. That's where I was getting to pre previously, man. Like that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to surrender and really admit and look at my life and analyze my life that my life was in total chaos. And it was because I thought I knew best and I thought I knew how to run the show and I never wanted to listen to the counselors. I never wanted to listen to anybody in AA. I never wanted to do everything that I was supposed to do because I thought that I had the answers and I knew the shortcuts. Yeah. So I had to surrender, man. I really had to surrender and I started surrendering by. praying subconsciously. I didn't know that I was doing step work, but I was, you know, praying at night, man, I was praying night. I was asking God every night when, when you would turn off that light, I would look up to the, to the, to the ceiling and be like, God, please help me. Please help me. I can't do this. I don't want to

Benyi: 21:58

relapse. Yeah. Like, um, you, you brought up some great point, like the moment of clarity, you know, me personally, when we were together in our room, I knew like you were doing some, but it was more of like your demeanor. I was, because like, there was, if you, if I may say, there was two version of you. There was the you that I know that was speaking right now. And there was the you who was in the yard and like running shit. It was like, it was like you were playing a persona outside. And I remember vividly, um, you know, like every, you were like. Popular in the yard to say the least, you know, like everybody were coming to you for anything from cigarette and stuff. And I remember in the one altercation that you had, because not only were roommate, we're also in the same, um, group with the same, uh, counselor. And I remember with one fellow of that group, you had an altercation about a chair or something like he told you to move your feet during a meeting. And the guys in the back were like, Oh, you're going to let him talk to you like that. And bro, man, I never saw you like that, but you flip a switch. You had like, now it's, it's now or never. I need to switch in alpha mode. I'm going to talk to this guy. And, and the man is like much older than us. He must be like in his sixties, man. Like, you know, I was, I wasn't scared that you were going to beat him up, but like, I was kind of surprised that. I'm sure if he had happened and those guys, like the posse was not in the back, didn't say anything. You have let it slide, but because they were like, Oh, what are you going to do about it? You switch into, Oh, I need to prove that I'm alpha, alpha male. And I'm like. That's what, like, I don't know if I asked you that before and I'm like, yo, man, don't, maybe addiction, obviously drugs is your problem, but I noticed that your, how you being perceived in, uh, the environment dominated by male, you know, is very important to you. And I don't know if it's like, do you, maybe because you were in jail or like how you raise, but can you elaborate on that? Why is it for you to look? Strong and not weak in front of

Edwin: 24:20

the man. Um, I think, um, it all boils down to, I think it's a little bit of it's being institutionalized a little bit. I think that that has actually a lot to do with it because, you know, I've just seen situations where if you let somebody take. Anything from you, your deck of cards, anything, anything, you know, just speaking on, on jail, not even jail, just anything, school, you know, if you just let somebody know that you're weak, you know what, everybody's going to attack you. And, um, you know, I, I really think that most, most of it comes from, like I said in the beginning, I'm a people pleaser. I found that out through the work and I kind of knew that all my life. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be liked. I want to be that cool kid and whatever it takes, I'm going to do it, you know? And, um, You know, like you, you're right. Uh, I know the incident you're talking about when those people, if nobody would have been around there, it would have just been me and you, I would have just probably been like, yo man, just watch your mouth. And I would have probably just walked off. But you know, because you got, I had people egging me on, you know, like my insecurities flare up. Like I'm insecure. That's what it boils down to. I'm insecure about myself. I don't know who my, who I really am. So I put in this fake persona of this person who I think that is what everybody wants to see and everybody likes. But at the same time, you know, um, I think that it's big, it really boils down to I'm a people pleaser. And also because, you know, um, I don't know if I told you, but you know, like just, just the way that I had, uh, I chose to live my life, you know, a lot, you know, I was in, you know, affiliated with, with gangs in the streets and stuff like that, and in jails, and it's just, you know, a way that, supposedly, I was supposed, it was a fake persona the whole time, a fake person, I was just living for somebody else, to be liked and to be accepted, cause I didn't accept who I was, and that's basically what it really boiled down to. Uh,

Benyi: 26:13

I see. Um, does that behavior sometime nowadays, now that you have like a bit of sobriety, does that behavior flare up sometime when you're exposed to certain situation like that? Or the Edwin comes back up all of a sudden, or how are you able to tame that guy and be like, nah, not today.

Edwin: 26:32

Like, no, of course, listen, if I said that I didn't flare up and I didn't sometimes, uh, revert back to the old me and stuff like that, I'll be lying because this is a new way of living. I've only been doing this for what? Uh, 15 months. Yeah. You know, this is a new way of living. This is a new Edwin. I'm still figuring out who Edwin really is and what do I go back to things that I'm comfortable, you know, that aggression. I feel like, you know, if I'm aggressive and, and I could intimidate you or something like that, I'm going to get things my way, which is a form of manipulation, which I'm, you know, through the work, I noticed that I'm a big manipulator as well and stuff like that. So of course it flares up, you know, if, if my ego, when you attack my ego and my pride. You know, it, it, it takes a lot, man, for me to really do what, you know, the 12 step program wants me to do, which is pray on it, see where I'm, where I'm at forth at it, what part did I play in it. But sometimes, you know, it's just, I think, human nature, because I'm just, it's, it's progress, not perfection. I'm not going to tell you that I'm a saint, man, and I walk on water. I don't. But I, I don't react. I haven't, thank God, I haven't reacted physically violent or I haven't done anything of that sort. But of course my temper sometimes gets the best of me. And those are things that I need to check, check myself and things that I need to work on consistently for the rest of my life. Yeah. You know, I know I have anger issues and that just goes from, from traumas that have, that have occurred throughout my life. You know, sometimes I'm very defensive. Like I was explaining to you earlier, I got put on opiates because I had gotten stabbed. So I'm always on edge, I'm always on defense mode, you know, I just, it's just a trauma that happened to me. It's something that I can't control. It's like PTSD. It's something in that sense, like, you know, just being on edge and stuff like that. But of course, bro, like I need to do to, to be vigilant at all times because my attitudes And my behaviors are a big problem.

Benyi: 28:30

Yeah, I, I, I, I can see that. And like, you know, me personally, I think even I can be angry, you know, my way of coping with that is being mindful of when those moment happens that, okay, I'm being angry. Why am I being angry? And try to trace it back and be aware and recognizing that this is how I'm feeling right now. I'm trying to let it. flow. And, you know, I have like a bunch of support mechanism, meditation, like that kind of stuff, like self awareness, mindfulness to help me process that. Like, you know, and you were talking earlier about, uh, you were talking earlier about like your support network, like, you know, um, so what is your support network? Like, like who, who is in your

Edwin: 29:17

corner? All right. So, um, I'll just start, let's, let's keep it simple. Like on AA level, my support network is, listen, you're part of my support network. No matter club, my meeting, my whole group, everybody in there is my support network. You know, there's people that, that I talk to more than others and stuff like that, but definitely my sponsor. Um, just a lot of meetings that I go to just a lot of people that are, are in AA and are active members. And I see that they have something that I want, which is Not, not like before I used to look at people like, Oh, does he have, what kind of car does he drive for? Does he have this? Does he have that? No longer is it that it's more like, is this person a peaceful person? Because I don't want to get with a person that has anger issues and doesn't know that he has anger issues and he's acting now because you know what? I'm doomed. So I look for people that are peaceful, people that have, you know, that are in a different state of mind, that I could learn something from and become a better person. Um, those are the people that I have on my corner all the time and just good friends, man, like a lot of people that I, like it says in the big book, we are people that normally wouldn't mix. There's a lot of people that I'm friends with, like friends, friends, like good friends, like me and you, we're at least... Close in age, we kicked it off in rehab. I really never thought that I would see you again, honestly. Yeah. Oh yeah. But we're from Freeport. I was like, man, either he's going to, I'm not true. I really kind of looked at it at me myself. I was like, man, I'm probably going to mess up. This kid's going to be doing good and see me a year from now. Y'all came out of rehab, but you know, like you, you became a good support, you know, good part of my support network. You know, like we make meetings and stuff like that. We stay in touch here and there and stuff like that. But, um, also. My family, you know, my, my wife, she's a big part. She doesn't, you know, she knows that I'm in AA. She knows that without, you know, this or God that I'm doomed. She's been there for 12 years of my life watching this. My mother, my father, my brother, basically my media family. They're a big support network, you know. Very big. They don't, they really try not to, and I don't, I don't like implement anything like, Oh, it's Christmas. Don't drink around me, you know, because that's not being free. Being free is that I'm getting to enjoy my time with my family and not, and you know, if they're drinking, that's on them, you know, as long as they're not trying to push it in my face. Like I've had cousins, like, you know, I've had cousins who I thought would. Whatever, that's a whole different subject. I have cousins and friends, bro, that like, you would think that they would be like, Damn, I saw how this kid was a mess and look how he is now. He's doing so great. Why would they, you know, be like, here, you want a drink? And then put it under my nose. Like, I don't know. I don't know if it's to tempt me to see if I would take it or I don't, I don't get it. But it boggles my mind. And, and I say that to say this, that, you know, during recovery, sometimes I have to be vigilant of who I surround myself with too. Yes, exactly. Because I don't know if it's... That they don't want the best for me or what it is, but I just take it as they don't understand the severity of this disease. And you know what, for myself, I need to like, kind of be away from these people for

Benyi: 32:17

now. Yeah. Like definitely. I think like, uh, I mean, I'm not gonna. I don't know for sure. I'm not going to call people in your family malicious and wanting to see you fail. But I think like, it's like you said, they just don't understand the severity of it. They see you getting, having your stuff together for a while. They're like, okay, so he got it under control. Maybe now he can have a drink, but they don't understand. That's not the case. To go back to your family. Um, That the part of your paid support network, you know, like most people who have family, wives, kids, when they get out of rehab and they're trying to get sober, that family can be very demanding of love. They're like, okay, now you need to pay us back. Now that you're sober, you need to be with us. You need to do this. You need to do that. And can be overwhelming for people just got out of, you know, um, who just got sober because they need to work on their sobriety. How understanding your family was that, Hey man, I have to make those meetings here and there. I have to go to this school because you go on retreats too, right? Yeah. So how, how understanding what day at the beginning that you had to do those things for yourself and not be present yet.

Edwin: 33:31

Okay, I think, uh, I'm not gonna lie, in the beginning, like the very, very beginning, the first 30 days, they were like, you know, like, wow, he, he has 5 days, 10 days, 20 days, and they're like, just go, go, do whatever you want, but I would say probably around the 90 day mark, you know, like, they, they like, they don't understand the severity of this, man, like, they're not alcoholics, they're not, they're not one of us, they think that, you know, like, oh, he put 90 days together, maybe he could have a drink, or maybe, Maybe it wasn't that bad, you know, but I know how bad it was. And, uh, I remember, I won't forget that it was, uh, my girl invited me to go to, uh, to, uh, this is crazy. She invited me out east to go to a vineyard. Right. And I look at her and I'm like, I, I was like, I was. I don't know what I was feeling at that moment. I was like, are you serious? Are you serious? You're inviting me to, she was like, yeah, you don't have to drink. And I was like, listen, man, I got like, like 90 days and you're inviting me to go watch you guys taste wine and drink wine. How do you think that's going to make me feel? And they were not understanding that first. My girl was not understanding that first. I had to call my sponsor, bro. I was mad that day. That was like a very close call day for me. And I had to make a meeting and you know, just, just, yeah, That, was a little crazy and now it's true, man. Like everything's not, you know, like you don't just get sober and everything's just great. You know, like you said, like your family sometimes puts expectations on you and then, you know, there's been times that I've like, Oh, I got six months and I'm waiting for this pat on the back. And they just like, great. They don't need to say nothing. They're like, I shown the little key chain, whatever, the little coin, I mean. And they're like, they're like, they're like, okay, okay. You got six months. Like, in other words, like you should have been doing this the whole time, you dummy. And you know, like. They're very supportive in the, in the sense that yes, they let me go on retreats and they, and they, they do bend over backwards. Like right now they know that I'm here with you and they don't bother me. And they know that I need to do this to stay spiritually fit and stay sober. You know, there's things I have to give back. I have to do certain things. Um, but. I think that, you know, and I'm, like I said, I don't know anything right now, but I'm trying to figure things out. And I just think that it all boils down to a healthy balance, man. Like I didn't get sober late, like, listen, this is my biggest thing I told to my sponsor about this. I was out there actively using right. And I neglected my whole family. I didn't get sober to neglect my whole family. You know, like I didn't come into AA so AA could be my life. I came into AA so AA could help me get my life back. Yes. You know? Uh huh. So it's, it's. It's, you know, it's a touchy subject, I feel like, but it's a healthy balance, man. And anything I put in front of my recovery, I'm going to lose. So if I put my family in front of my recovery, I'm going to lose my family. And I try to explain that to them. And that's the only time that they really understood what I meant. I said, listen, I don't have to make a meeting today, like you said. But if I don't make a meeting today and I don't make one tomorrow and I don't make one the day after I might relapse and they're like, you really are, you know, they don't understand that. Are you really thinking about using again? I'm like, there's things that I should be doing. I'm not saying I'm going to make a meeting every day for the rest of my life, but you know, like I have to. I have to do this right now. This is what I need. And don't worry. It's just an hour out the day. After that, you got me for the other 23 hours. And that's how sometimes you have to break it down. So you're feeling like, listen, it's just one hour out of my day. Maybe two. If I get there early and stay there late, maybe two hours. But you got me for the other 22 hours. Calm down.

Benyi: 37:05

You know, that's, that's interesting. Yeah. If you break it down like that, that, that, that makes sense. But, oh man, you just brought up a great point about like, you know, AA helping you get your life back, not AA not being your life. And you even mentioned it earlier when you were talking about before, when you are in the rooms, you were just making coffee, going there. You were just a body that was there. And we share, we have a friend in common, Jay, who spoke at your anniversary and who's now my sponsor, because thanks to you, I met him and we share the same philosophy that You know, the triangle of AA, you have the steps, you have the fellowship. And what's the last part again? God's service service. Yeah. Service. Yeah. Service. The full, full and people, we, the three of us, it's fair to say that we think that people get too caught up. In the fellowship and just see it as like their whole life and like, hang out there. And like, you know, if they don't see you for two, two days in a row, they'd be like, Oh, he's probably somewhere of the races relapsing. But like, you know, um, I'm going to. Talk about me, myself, personally, I don't like, I said it so many times. I don't like those kind of environment where like people need to think all alike or like, you know, that group of mass effect of people when they're together. So part of the fellowship for me makes me. Um, you know, annoys me a little bit that like, Oh, you need to go to the diner after, like, you know, like the diner idea is fun, but man, I went to the couple diners. It was so boring. So like me, I expect, we know what we all have in common that we are all in recovery. The diner for me is an opportunity to know more about you, what passionates you, what at a different level, but like people want to eat, live, breathe sobriety. It's all about. At the diner, Oh, did you go to this meeting? Oh, these are like Buffalo Bill is celebrating 50 years. Like these got relapsed. Like how, what's your stand on that? And how do you protect yourself from the, it's not just the gossip, but like the, how, how would I put the name on it? Um, The nonsense of, you know, that part of the fellowship,

Edwin: 39:34

so, um, I, I definitely understand what you're saying and stuff like that and where you're coming from. Um, honestly, I'll be honest with you. You know how I do that? Yeah. Like I said, I picked. Different people from different meetings that have something that I want, that they're talking the language that I want to hear that they just, they're not just telling me like, listen, like you just said, you brought up a great point. Like, oh, you're not making a meeting, you know, you, you're not making a meeting every day. You're going to relapse, you know, I want solution based people. I think that's the best way to say, I want people that are living in the solution, you know, cause it's great to make meetings. It's great to go to the picnics. It's great to go to, uh. Anniversaries and, and diners and sometimes pool parties or whatnot. But like you said, it's basically just to connect on a deeper level, like just to get to know the, the persons and the individual and stuff like that. But, um, listen, I really go to meetings to hear the message, to hear the message of freedom. That's all I care about is the message of freedom. Everything else is, uh, so basically I don't run with clicks. I don't run with groups. Like if you tell me right now, Edwin, I make this meeting Sunday and I make this Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. These are the meetings I make at these times. I'll say good for you, Benny, but that's not the meetings I make. You know, I'm not being a follower. Everything that I used to see, like everything that I see in my step work that I was a people pleaser, a follower, you know, just, just. Just living for somebody else to meet somebody else's expectations. Well, guess what? It's a new way of living. It's a new life. This is a new me. Guess what? I'm all, I'm done with the old and I'm in with the new. And the old was, I would have followed you around. I would have went to all the meetings you told me to go to. And I would have went to all the events you told me to. But you know what? I'm a man and I'm going to stick to my own. And I'm just going to go where I find the best meetings. That are suited for me and catered to me. That's where I'm going to go. Now, do I go to diner sometimes if I'm hungry and people want to go to the diner afterwards, sure, I'll go. Not a problem. You know, I do like to, to mingle a little bit here and there, but like I said, I have AA friends, like me and you, we stay in touch and we hit each other up here and there, I don't call you every single day because I know you have a life and I have a life too. Yeah. And, and it's just the honest truth, man. Like, you know. I, I have a life thanks to AA. I have a life, man. I don't need, I don't need AA to be my life. I don't need AA to be my life. AA is part of my life. Just like my family is part of my life. Just like my work is part of my life. AA is very important. It's very, very important, but I don't see it as like, you know, we, we, the people that, that, That I usually, you know, mingle with and like Jay and all the people he mingles with my sponsor, you know, the message is freedom, man. I don't have to worry about that. If I don't make a meeting for the next seven days, I'm going to relapse or I'm doomed because the meetings are not what keeps me sober. Me setting up the chairs or making coffee is not keeping me sober. Me hearing your message at this meeting or following you around to all your meetings. That's not what keeps me sober, man. Like I, what keeps me sore is. 12 step meetings, God service. I go to these meetings to serve more, more to give back what I was freely get. What was given to me freely is what I'm doing. You know, I just messed that whole up thing up, but basically, you know, this was given to me freely, right? So I try to pay it forward, man. I try to pay it forward. That's why I go and speak at rehabs. I feel like that's way more important. Me going to rehabs and speaking and sharing my truth and saying like, listen, man, if I. If I was this hopeless, derelict basically with a roof on top of his head because my parents never kicked me out the house enabling in a way, but, uh, you know, if I can make him in, you guys can make it to, you know, and I think that that's more, I do more service and, uh. You know, I just speaking

Benyi: 43:36

of service, you said you spoke at the rehab recently, the one we went to,

Edwin: 43:41

right? You know, I'm actually speaking this Friday. Oh, yeah, I'm going back there too. I told myself I've been asked many times and I kept telling people like, I don't want to go there because I know it's only 90 days. I think it was six months. I think you can go up there and speak. Uh, 90 days to just go up there. Right. And I think you got to be there a certain amount of time sober to speak. I think I forgot.

Benyi: 44:01

I think it's four

Edwin: 44:03

months or something like that. Things like six or under that, something like that. So I always told people like, listen, I want to have a year under my belt before I go back there because I want to prove to myself that I can get that miracle year. I never got a miracle year. This is the first time in my life I've had a miracle year, you know, and I'm holding on to that. And, uh, you know, because of my church, I've been going to Dominican Republic so much this summer that, uh, it just happened so full on now, the 15, 15 months later. Yeah. And it's such a blessing, man. I can't wait to go there. But I've spoken at other rehabs. I spoke at NUMC. I spoke at South Oaks. Yeah. You know, I've been getting around here

Benyi: 44:38

and there. That's, uh, that's funny. Like you brought up that year, that miracle year. I understand the milestone of being having a year. So like, how did you feel when you hit that year? Was that like, Ooh, boom, magic. I'm like Superman. I don't know. Well, what does having one year sober means to you?

Edwin: 44:55

Yeah, that felt, that felt, listen to me. I met the world to me. It was the best thing in the world, the best thing in the world. Cause I never had that. Like, like I said, no jail, I've been away for freaking for uh, 16 months and I was probably sober there maybe one month, maybe two months because nothing was coming into jail at that time. But I was never, I, nobody could force me to be sober. So for me, it was the biggest accomplishment in, in my life. You know, it was bigger than graduating from college. It was bigger than anything that I've done in my life. And um, you know what, what, uh, humbled me when I asked my daughter the night before I go, so, uh, you guys are going tomorrow to my, I know my wife was going, I knew my parents were going. I asked my brother and I asked my kids, I said, you guys are going tomorrow to my anniversary. I asked my kids first, right? They go, what's tomorrow? And I go, what do you mean? You don't know what tomorrow is like, I don't know, like it was supposed to know that they're like, they're like, they're like, what's tomorrow. And I was like my one year anniversary. And they're like, Oh, good job. I was like, I was like, look, I'm probably talking about a resentment right now, but I didn't even know those little shit. Yeah. They're like, they're like, Oh, good. And I was like. And I look at my girl. My girl was like, you know, like, Oh, come on guys. Be nicer to him about that. And I was like, and then, then that's when I remember all these tools and all these things that you hear at meetings and you hear everywhere, you know, like, um, one of the tools I use there is, you know, like, I always heard this. I mean, it's like, You can't expect somebody to like pat you on the back because you should have been doing this the whole time. Like I should have been a father. I should have been there the whole time. I shouldn't have been going in and out of jails and in and out of rehabs. I should have been there from day one. So now I want them to acknowledge that I'm doing the right thing. That's not how

Benyi: 46:40

life works. Yeah. You know. I heard an expression every app like that is, you should not get credit for not kicking the dog because you're not supposed to keep the dog and

Edwin: 46:52

my brother, he was like, yo man, what time is it? I was like at eight 15 in the morning and he's like, where I was like in Long Beach on the beach. And he's like, nah, man, you're bugging bro. That's mad early. That means I got to wake up like at seven or six on my day off. Nah, I'm not doing it, bro. Maybe next year, but not this year. And in my head, I'm like, yo bro, it's my. First year. What do you mean next year? Next year will be two years. God willing. I don't care about two. I care about one. So, uh, when I got to the beach that day, man, like I just had to humble myself the whole time. I had, when I woke up that day, I was so happy. I was thrilled. I knew it was my big day, you know, but I had to humble myself and I said, yo, I got here. I made it. What is different about it? What's, what's the difference? It really isn't any difference. It's just one more day under my belt. You know, I just have today, it just happens to be that I had 12 months in a row, you know, but it was really no, not a big deal. I kind of really thought that it was going to be like fireworks and balloons and golden watch. A sober club, and we're going to dance the night away, and something like that,

Benyi: 47:55

I you a jacket, with like one year on it.

Edwin: 47:59

Exactly, and nah, it was like the most humbling thing, because a lot of people kept, you know, a lot of people that showed up to the meeting, that they had time and stuff like that, and they were part of my process, they asked me, they said, So how does it feel to have a year? And I really, it threw me back, and I go, You know, it feels just like any other day, man. Uh huh. It feels like just any other day, man. You know, in my heart, I felt very happy I had accomplished a year, but it doesn't mean nothing like that. That the point I'm getting to right now is I forgot to say this. I realized that if I went out the next day, that all meant nothing. So I have to stay humble. I have to stay humble and just be like, listen, I just got today. I don't care how much time or, and that's not a lot of time. I'm saying how much time, but you know, like I just had to stay home because if I relapsed the next day. That was all a waste, not all a waste, but you know what I mean? Like, it was just like, for what, what was that for like that big party for what? Yeah.

Benyi: 48:51

So like, that's why me personally have, um, somewhat of an issue with the day count. I understand how, what the principle of day counting is, you know, it is to, it's a self esteem booster to show you that, yeah, they are acknowledged to say, but me personally, I just remembered the date. Um, and, uh, yeah, because I had seven months first and some change, I was day counting, you know, every day I was sharing my day count at the meetings. And then when I fell, I, even if I went out for one day, man, losing that day count was, was like. affected me a lot. And I'm like, now I'm starting at zero. Once I put that mind that that day count doesn't mean much out of my mind, man, I was free. So right now I know how much time I've like, what for March 8th, not March 4th. To now it's like a month and some change, but I don't daily count, you know, like December is going to come. I'm like, Oh yeah, you know, it crossed my mind then there, but like, I don't count every single day because like, for me, it's like doing. Push ups, when you start counting, you do less than when you just do like, yeah, go right. Like some, sorry, I always bring gym analogy, but that's for me, that's a good way to explain that, you know, and, um, like you said, I like the fact that you said like, yeah, it was fun. It was great to have one year, but the fact that my family didn't think it was a big deal of it reminded me that, Hey. Yes. It's not that big of a deal. No, it's keeping that mindset that you always have and that you have right now. That's, that's amazing, man. Um, we are reaching the conclusion of our interview and, uh, I'm going to give you the floor. Um, what would you like to say to somebody who, like you thought that they were probably doomed? You know, that they try everything that they're like, maybe in a cycle of like institution, jail or something, what would you tell that person, you know, or what even would you tell the old you who thought that everything was hopeless, hopeless, hopeless,

Edwin: 51:06

yeah, that, that everything's not lost, man, you know, like everything's not lost until you're six feet deep, you know, like I had a lot of friends that passed away. And that they weren't afforded this chance, or maybe they were, but they just didn't take advantage of it. And they just didn't do what they had to do. You know, they didn't take the suggestions and stuff like that. And it's never too late as long as you're still breathing, you know, and it doesn't matter, man. Like if you fail, just get back up, man, and try again. That is the biggest, best advice I could give. You know, that gift of desperation, as long as you still have that gift of desperation, man, you're still on your way, man. You still have a shot. Now, when you wake up or whenever you relapse or whatever, you wake up in jail and you just like, you just throw in the towel and you're just like, man, this is what my life is going to be like. And you really don't have that gift of desperation. You're not desperate for, for positive outcome, for better outcome. You know, that's when you're doomed when you give up, just never give up, man, it's never too late. Listen, it took me 12 years, 12 years of jails and institutions. I don't like to touch too much on that topic because I'd like to, to try to reach as many people as possible. And there's people that never been to jails. There's people that probably never been to, when I say institutions, I mean, rehabs and stuff like that, you know, Detoxes and stuff like that. There's some people that I know that, that just somehow kicked it at home. And, you know, cause I hear different stories in different means. So I try to like appease the masses and stuff like that. And, um, I would just say, you know, don't compare stories, man. That was like a big problem of mine. You know, that's why I went out one time. This guy started saying how he smoked his house, how he drank his kids, how he The sniffed his wife and he lost it all. And I looked and I said, hold up, man. And I started comparing. I was like, hold up. I'm not like these people. These people are sick. Yo, I still got my girl. I still got my house. I still got my car. I'm good. These people are losers. Excuse me, but I'm being real Frank right now. Like I was like, these people are losers. Like how do you do that? How do you lose all that? But in reality, I was losing everything. I just hadn't lost it yet. You know? Yeah. Because yet you're eligible to, I'm eligible to lose at any time right now, today, tomorrow, God forbid. But it's the, it's, it's, it's real talk. Yeah. And I would just say, never give up, man. There's always, it's how bad do you want it? Like how bad do you want it? And the biggest mistake that I kept making over and over was this was my biggest dilemma, the biggest problem I had. Was I kept trying to do it for somebody else. It was never for myself. It was because my daughter needed a dad is because my, my wife needed a husband because my, my parents needed a son and they needed to walk up with their head high. It was never because I thought that I was. I never thought that I was worthy of love and respect. I think that's what it boils down to. I never thought that I was worthy of love and respect, that I never thought that I could amount to anything, that my life was always going to be shameful and guiltful, you know, full of shame and guilt because I had messed up. I've been to jail, you know, I done some, some bad stuff to get whatever I needed. And, you know, it, you know, You just have to learn. I had to learn to forgive myself. That was big. I had to learn to forgive myself so that every day I could look a little bit better in the mirror and start to like myself. Because I didn't like myself. I definitely didn't love myself. I liked myself. And the biggest, this, this never left my head in all the rehabs and all the jails I went to. My girl was always like this. This is a question that I always ask myself. My girl was like this, like... I would always say bye. I love you. And she was like, listen, stop saying that you love me cause you don't love me. And I was like, what do you mean? How are you going to tell me? I don't love you. I love you. And I love my kids. And she was like, listen, you can't love us if you don't love yourself. And that was like the biggest thing. I was like, yo, that is true, man. If I don't love myself, how am I going to say that? I love you. It was all fake. It was all false. Everything I was speaking was false. But the biggest thing is man, just keep on trying. Don't ever give up. Don't ever give up because sooner or later, man, God will touch you or something will happen in your life where you will eventually stop doing what you're doing, you know, stop living in that, that revolving door, that vicious cycle, that mental, that mental obsession that you need something right now. Because the anxiety is too crazy and the depression is driving you nuts. You know, like stop living in the future. This is what I'll tell myself. Stop projecting the future. Stop thinking that a year from now, you'll have this, this, and that. Or if you stop for 30 days, you better have this, this, and that. Your family better give you the. Keys back to the house, you know, like stop projecting the future and stop living in the past. Stop feeling so bad and shameful and guiltful because of the things you did live in today. Just focus on today. What are you doing today to better yourself? Like not to better yourself for tomorrow because tomorrow is my promise. Just what are you doing right now? This instance, this moment to better yourself, to be a better man, to be a better father, to be a better version of yourself. That's all I could really say. All right. Damn. That was

Benyi: 56:21

an awesome conclusion, man. Like, fuck you, preach, man. Like, all right. Yo, man, you say, oh man, we had a what, 55 minutes, almost an hour, that went so quick. All right. Um, thank you very much, Edwin, for being a guest on this podcast. Thanks for having me. And, uh, guys, I will see you for the conclusion. Bye. All right, guys, what a great episode. Thank you very much to Edwin for being the guest of this episode and this last word, his conclusion, uh, helped me find the title, uh, reminded me that when he said, do it for yourself. Let's remind us that, like, we need to do it for ourselves, not for our family, not for our girlfriends, not for our kids, but for ourselves in order to get sober and to stay sober. Um, this episode is definitely a gem. I, um, I cannot recommend you guys enough that you, and thank you for listening to it. Uh, as usual, follow us on social media and support us on Patreon and I will see you guys next week. Bye.